I've decided to recast some of my favorite movies using famous athletes. Why? Because I'm given six hundred words every Monday to write about almost anything, and this seems as good a topic as any. So without further ado, let's rewrite some movie history:
David Wells as Jabba the Hutt Yes, I feel that Boomer could do a better job at portraying film's fattest, most slovenly, and most disgusting slug/crime lord than whatever puppet George Lucas used. Just like Jabba, Wells likes to party, carries a grudge better than most, and has a highly-inflated view of his own importance.
LeBron James as Neo Supposedly the Wachowski brothers wanted to cast Will Smith as Neo but settled on Keanu Reeves. They should have chosen LeBron. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: LeBron will revolutionize basketball by the time his career is over. It's gotten to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if King James stopped bullets or was a kung-fu master. If the hardcourt is LeBron's Matrix, then he certainly is the One.
Derek Jeter as James Bond Perhaps the only man that I hate enough to respect. Jeter is clutch, suave, still a bachelor, and respected by his peers. What other athlete could play 007?
Barry Bonds as the Juggernaut He's the Juggernaut, b--h! (Hopefully you get this; if not, check out YouTube. It's an X-Men thing.)
Jim Leyland as Joseph "Blue" Palasky "You're my boy, Jim!" Both Blue and Leyland are crusty, tough old men who are crucial members of their respective fraternities. Though I haven't heard of Leyland mud-wrestling with any scantily-clad coeds, he nevertheless seems quite worldly. Rest in Peace, Blue.
Aaron Brooks as any Martin Lawrence character They look alike. It's not much of a joke.
George Steinbrenner as Emperor Palpatine Which leader of an evil empire is more evil? Probably the Emperor, although it took me a minute to think about it. It's really quite simple: I really don't have a hard time imagining Big Stein shooting Force-created electric current into some poor Sox fan. Since the 1970s, Steinbrenner has terrorized countless employees, using scare tactics worthy of Palpatine. Still, this raises a few interesting questions. If Steinbrenner is the Emperor, is Brian Cashman or Joe Torre Darth Vader?
Jose Reyes as The Flash I don't know that much about the Flash, but they're both really fast.
Drew Bledsoe as any Lindsay Lohan character Bledsoe either burns you with a perfectly thrown deep-ball or he takes a sack for a 15-yard loss. Lohan either looks drop-dead gorgeous or strung out on heroin. With both, you have to allow for a certain amount of bad so you can get the good. I'll let you decide individually if it's worth it, but a word to the wise: Bledsoe just got benched, and Lohan hasn't made a decent movie since "Mean Girls."
John Daly as John "Bluto" Blutarsky John Belushi's "Bluto" made excessive drinking, belligerence, and gluttony cool. Daly is the ultimate Bluto disciple.
Ray Allen as Jesus Shuttlesworth You either get this one or you don't. Here's to the boys upstate.
