"Aquamarine," a sugar-hangover-cum-tween-flick, probably would have made a dandy movie of the week on ABC Family. Its assortment of stock characters - Rebellious Thirteen Year Old Angry at the World, Traumatized Thirteen Year Old Scared of the World, Hot Guy without Shirt or Braincells, Too Tan Rich Bitch - combine with a sort of bubblegum sensibility and an overdose of grrl power into the type of treacle that often provides a candy-coated distraction during the commercial breaks of "Grey's Anatomy."
It boasts no A-listers, but plenty of wannabe Lohans and Duffs. Every set piece drips with bright pinks, blues and lime greens, as if the film would cease to be unless it was bright! And loud! And fun! Unfortunately for "Aquamarine" and its life-size Mermaid Barbie of a title character, it's a small fish on the big screen.
Based on the novel by Alice Hoffman, the film centers around two almost-eighth graders who live in that kind of Floridian coastal town that exists only in movies. Everyone spends all day at the beach, drooling over puddle deep lifeguard Raymond (a Keanu-tastic Jake McDorman) simply because there doesn't seem to be anything else to do. Amidst all this tanning and fawning, Hailey (JoJo) and Claire (Emma Roberts) mourn/ignore Hailey's impending move to Australia.
The girls share a sweet bond of the "BFF" variety that makes the rest of the audience feel like they're trapped on a long trip in a minivan with the pair. They pray for the means through which Hailey can stay, just as a violent storm washes mythological creatures into the local beachfront resort's swimming pool.
Aquamarine (Sara Paxton), "half-girl, half-fish," is sentenced to that most horrible of all movie fates: her father, Sea King Neptune, wants her to marry a man she does not love. Aqua must prove that love exists within three days or else she'll have to live life without it. Within seconds of that declaration, she sees Raymond windsurfing, so, of course, he becomes the object of her affection; there is apparently no other boy in the entire state of Florida. The girls sacrifice their giggly admiration of the lifeguard because Aqua promises that she'll grant the girls a wish if they are successful. Some people would wish for an end to world hunger; they want Hailey not to have to relocate. Just the way "Aquamarine" works.
The film is occasionally fun, but little else; even a certain triviality is given to the proceedings in the third act when everyone's heart grows two sizes. Beyond borrowing heavily from "Splash," Aquamarine also seemingly borrows several pages from the teen magazines through which its heroines so earnestly flip. It's colorful, crowded and allegedly sage, but ultimately shallow. The film's most furious 30 seconds, a-mile-a-minute shopping montage that appears to be on the checklist for every grrl power movie ever produced, does nothing to rebut the assumption that the film was directed by the editor-in-chief of "Cosmo Girl."
The acting is Disney Channel caliber as well. Although Emma Roberts is the niece of Julia, it appears the only things she shares with her aunt are her last name and ten too many teeth. Paxton plays Aqua like an arrogant Phoebe Buffay who shops at Wet Seal. Jojo is surprisingly the best of the trio, if only because she acknowledges the film's flimsiness and plays with it a bit. The best actress of the film is interestingly enough its villain. Ariella Kebbel makes her Cecilia into the kind of artful "Mean Girls" concoction that audiences will love to hate, but just as easily pity.
Despite its many flaws, "Aquamarine" ultimately has the decency to ground itself in the kind of realistic ties that bind tweenage girls together. It's featherweight and dumb, but it's still hip enough to sell itself as featherweight and dumb. It knows its demographic and kindly isn't pretentious enough to try to be anything other than a movie for 12 year olds. Still, that's not enough of a reason why this ended up on the big screen instead of the small.
