It's springtime, which means two things: girls tanning out on the residential quad and an influx of big budget, star driven movies. So it's time for another Summer Movie Round-Up!
Before I start, I must explain my unique rating system. You see, I don't like giving movies stars, numbers or poorly made graphics of turkeys. Instead, I classify films by Andersons. The following are the four categories of Anderson:
P.T. Anderson. A grand opus that rises above the traditional conventions of cinema to deliver an amazing visceral and aural experience. This category is usually dominated by dramas with touches of comedy, but anything that is superb gets this rating.
Wes Anderson. A mixed bag. Some people will swear by it, but others don't understand, hate and fear it. Also, this
category includes anything that is strangely whimsical or has the line "O. R. they?" in the movie.
Paul Anderson. A big budget disaster (not to be confused with a big budget disaster movie). This is a film that was made purely for profit, got neutered by test audiences and the marketing department, and is released to critical panning worldwide. This category is filled with a glut of films that start with the words "produced by Jerry Bruckheimer."
Mr. Anderson. An awesome action flick. Basically the opposite of a Paul Anderson, this movie is a big budget success. In recent years, Mr. Andersons have been given almost exclusively to comic book films.
So, now that we've covered the basics, let's begin:
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Good news: The Hitchhiker's movie is made and coming out! Bad news: Douglas Adams died before the movie was completed. The question: Will it remain true to the spirit of the books? Given the fact that it's directed by a music video director whose most famous work in the U.S. is the "Ali G" opening, things look precarious. Rating: Wes Anderson for those who haven't read the books, Paul Anderson for those who have.
"Kingdom of Heaven"
An epic by Ridley Scott ("Gladiator") with what promises to be copious amounts of swordfights. Some romance will be thrown in, I'm sure. Plus, Orlando Bloom is dreamy. Rating: Using my honed filmic instincts, I'll say this movie will be a Mr. Anderson in P.T. Anderson's clothing.
"Monster-in-Law"
The next "Meet the Parents?" Probably not. However, it could revive J. Lo's career. Rating: Wes Anderson, unless, of course, you go on a date to see it, in which case you should tell your girlfriend it is a P.T.
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
A movie about teenage friends who share jeans over the course of a summer. I can't believe I'm not going to mention "Batman Begins" in order to have enough space to talk about this movie. I'm such an idiot. I'd rather have open-heart surgery performed on me at a rave by an epileptic then see this cinematic marvel. This film is like putting candy daggers in your eyes. Rating: Paul Anderson.
"War of the Worlds"
Spielberg and Cruise. It often doesn't get much better than that. Could teaming a great director with a superstar ever yield lackluster results? Oh, yeah, "The Terminal." Sorry, I forgot. Rating: P.T., unless the ending is made of Spielberg-brand supercheese, in which case I give it a Wes.
"The Fantastic Four"
I really want to like this movie. Really, I do. I like comic books, and therefore I am already predisposed to liking this movie. However, rumors of budget woes and a lackluster trailer have been ringing like alarm bells. Sadly, I think this may be the disappointment of the summer. Rating: Unfortunately, a Paul Anderson. When the guy that likes "Daredevil" is worried about a comic book movie, you know something is going wrong.
"Wedding Crashers"
Vince Vaughn is funny. Owen Wilson is funny. Picking up chicks at weddings is funny. Christopher Walken is always funny. I'll be first in line to see this one. Rating: The well-liked offspring of P.T. Anderson and Wes Anderson. I'll call it "Fred, the Baby Anderson."
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
Tim Burton has decided to remake one of the most classic and amazing kid's movies. Fortunately, I have a feeling Johnny Depp will be a suitable enough replacement for the amazing original Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder. I look forward to this, but may not like some of the changes. Rating: Wes Anderson. Come on, this movie will have enough spare whimsy to feed all the whimsy-starved poor in the whole world.
"Stealth"
A movie about a robot plane. That gets struck by lighting and develops a mind of its own. And then wants to kill humans. I feel like crying. Rating: Double Paul. Why isn't Bruckhiemer on the credits?
"Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith"
This is it, the big one. The most anticipated movie of the summer. The movie that will be the final note in a grand opus, tying up loose ends and justifying the existence of Jar-Jar Binks, or the nail in the coffin that has Obi-Wan rolling his eyes in the force-afterlife. People have got a lot riding on this one, and Lucas, who was solely responsible for the direction in the first prequels, is at the helm again. Don't let us down. Rating: Either a P.T. or a Paul. There is only one way to find out for sure. I'll see you in line on May 19.
