Since arriving at Tufts, I have noticed that it is popular for students to dump on our president, Larry Bacow, for his enforcement of certain "laws" imposed by our "national government" which students find unfavorable. I am referring, of course, to this man's crusade against binge drinking at Tufts. This is a very hot topic not only at Tufts, but in a given week it is likely that there will be at least one article on it in every non-Mormon school newspaper around the country. Bacow, or as those of us who know him call him, "Bac-attack," has chosen his side on this issue, and that side seems to favor "The Man" or as he will be referred to for the rest of this article "All Three Branches of the Federal Government."
My beef with Larry is not his alcohol policy, though; I am furious with him for never delivering me a basket of fresh fruit. I love fresh fruit, and I am sure that Bacow enjoys many a fresh orange in his stylish modern kitchen. Why do I have to go all the way to the dining hall to get a banana? Why is there not a basket of fresh fruit sitting outside my door every Monday? Why is Bacow the only person who gets to enjoy fresh fruit in his private space everyday?
Some people might argue that the alcohol issue is far more important than whether or not I am getting all my vitamins and minerals. Make no mistake, these people are dirt bags. They also probably enjoy fresh fruit baskets every Monday morning courtesy of President Bacow. Is that your game, Bacow, giving fresh fruit to your opponents on the alcohol issue so that they will ignore actual problems that exist at Tufts and focus on a moot point? I am on to you, Larry, and if I do not start getting fresh fruit, you are going to see some serious criticism of your alcohol-related policies featured in the Daily written by my withered, vitamin C-deficient hand.
Damn you, Lawrence Bacow, damn you for not giving me the fruit that is rightfully mine. You just waltz around in your big house with its cool name assuming everyone is going to argue themselves to death about the issue of binge drinking on campus and nobody is going to call you out on what you really are: a fruit miser.
I cannot count how many surveys I have had to fill out on how much I drank last week, but not one of those surveys has asked how my scurvy is advancing. Now, as I write this Viewpoint, I can feel my teeth loosening. If only I had a fresh fruit basket of which I could get some of that needed vitamin C.
I ask you to remember back to a time in December when everyone was getting antsy about just how Bacow was going to treat the hallowed Tufts tradition of the Naked Quad Run. Questions like: "Is he going to enforce the law and not allow underage people to drink?" "If I drink a bottle of vodka will I still be able to run?" and "Am I even big enough to run?" were on the tip of everyone's tongue, and the bastard even let people do it anyway. It was a classic case of salutary neglect, but let me tell you something else that was getting neglected: my fresh fruit basket.
I do not want my words here to be taken out of context. I never actually said that Larry Bacow bears a striking resemblance to Mussolini; I only implied that his withholding of my fruit basket would make said Italian dictator clap his hands with delight.
While everyone at Tufts concerns themselves with this apparently serious issue of freshmen getting TEMSed in the dorms before midnight, I am just going to sit in my dorm room and wait for my fresh basket of fruit. I would also like to end by hypothesizing on just why students binge drink. I have heard that in many cases, scurvy leads to irrational behavior. I am sure that if one was to check the records every student who has been TEMSed this year has never received a fresh basket of fruit from this "upholder of the law."
Forrest Graham is a freshman who has not yet declared a major.
