Listening to Britney Spears for the music is like watching a porno for the plot.
For her, image has always been more important than music, and nothing makes that more obvious than her new greatest hits album, "My Prerogative." Unfortunately, though, image wears off fast, and when people forget about the crazy clothes (or lack thereof) and sexy videos, this music won't last any longer than Brit's first marriage.
"My Prerogative," (Jive Records) which features 14 of her hit singles, two previously unreleased songs, and a cover, also includes a second disk featuring dance re-mixes of old songs for die-hard fans. Even though they appear in no particular order, one can track Spears' progression from nice to naughty, bad to worse.
As her scantily clad album cover photo shows, most of the music only works when mixed with Spears' sexy, "bad" persona. So enjoy (or pity) the music while it's hot, because at the ripe old age of 22 she purportedly plans on taking a break from celebrity to start a family with her latest husband, Kevin Federline. Oh, and she has a new passion for interior decorating - gotta leave time for that.
She started out as a not-so (but kind of) innocent Catholic schoolgirl who felt so "lucky" to be a "star." Then, within the span of a few years, she became an "outrageous," her-against-the-music singing (and marketing) machine. Now she wants everyone to know that she doesn't need "permission to make [her] own decisions" and how "real" she is.
Except those few vocalizations, we wouldn't know her voice at all, since her concerts are lip synced and singing voice so computer-enhanced that Spock from Star Trek could have sung them (that is, when she's not moaning or whispering or groaning or giggling). Not to mention that the first song on the album, "My Prerogative" is Bobby Brown's big hit, not hers.
Please, Scottie, beam this girl out of the studio!
Of course, it would be disingenuous not to admit that "...Baby One More Time" and "Oops! I Did it Again," both on the album, are guiltily nostalgic pleasures and that the catchy melody "Toxic" and cheesy bass line of "My Prerogative" make these songs fun to dance to (after a couple of drinks).
And, okay, the beats on "I'm A Slave 4 U" and the R. Kelly-produced "Outrageous" aren't that bad (except, no Britney, you aren't outrageous - you're from Louisiana and started out on the Mickey Mouse Show).
But slower "Everytime" and "Sometimes (Radio Edit)" sound like bad karaoke performances at a junior high talent show, and the previously unreleased "I've Just Begun (Having My Fun)" has no memorable melody or catchy beat to distinguish it from most of the other monotonous clatter the Spears (and company) has come up with.
"Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" continues the bad ballad theme, with a flute intro that takes the cake. The oxymoronic "Overprotected (The Darkchild Remix)" sounds like an attempt to bridge the wholesome to horny, but, lyrically, really acts as a good motivation for her to get over herself. Syncopated drum-accents appear throughout, making the song annoying to listen to despite the slight traces of melody.
Previously sandwiched in between other mediocre songs on earlier albums, many of these "greatest hits" provided the spark needed to sell records. Together, they burn a noisy hole in the music-lover's brain.
No one can argue that Spears isn't the teen pop sex symbol of our time; for years to come, she'll be a staple of "I Love the '90s" and "I Love the 2000s." Audiences will reminisce about dancing to "Oops" and "Lucky" at the prom and comedians will make fun of her Madonna (a.k.a. "Esther") kiss and almost Timberlake marriage forever.
So, go ahead and put "Greatest Hits" in your personal music museum, but please don't play the entire exhausting album all at once during your next party. That's what headphones are for.
