It's Sox, it's Yankees. Showtime began last night. May the best team with lots of baggage and no pinstripes win. But honestly, what is there to say about everybody's Favorite Team to Hate that has not already been uttered? Well, except maybe ...
Why does Derek "Zoolander" Jeter always act as if he knows he is on camera? Well, probably because he is. But that "tigre" look is equal parts smug and stud. He could be 0 for 5 with two errors and you'd still think he's doing an impromptu Tommy Hilfiger ad. I just hope Curtis Leskanic isn't on the mound when Jeter breaks out "magnum."
Speaking of scary players with threatening looks to them, Gary Sheffield strikes the fear of God into my little heart. The wacky steroid cream aside (which has to be right up there with that new female patch that has been described as "Viagra for women" for "Late night infomercial I can't wait to see"), he's the righty Barry Bonds. I swear this guy is going to hit two home runs in one at-bat some day. I think pitchers should be allowed to drag out a batting practice "L" screen when he is at the plate to protect them from his bat speed. The bat wiggle, the one Kevin Millar does a cheap imitation of, would make Bob Gibson quiver. I think it should be illegal it's so mesmerizing and disarming at the same time.
Beware of free swingers; that's all I'm saying. Case in point was in the Division Series when Vlad Guerrero went from playing outfield as if he was getting off the couch to turn on Columbo to single handedly putting his team back in it with a grand slam.
Ruben Sierra, like Sheffield and Guerrero, falls in this mold as well. Sure, he's batting .167 in the playoffs, but his three run back breaker against the Twins helped seal Minnesota's fate. The way he whips his entire body into each swing may throw him off balance a little bit, but I'll be damned if this series doesn't turn on some nightmarish (to us) at-bats from this ageless wonder. I almost get whiplash just watching him swing and miss.
As for Miguel Cairo, I'm not sure if the Yankees even realized they had signed him this offseason. I could see Joe Torre at their spring training camp in Tampa looking to Willie Randolph and saying, "Who let this guy in here?" But the dude can play, as under-the-radar as he may be. Borrowing from Bill Simmons, it is amazing but somehow predictable how players put on the pinstripes and they suddenly become legitimate (Enrique Wilson, this means you).
I mean, really, John Olerud was sitting at home, waiting for his induction into the "Flapless Defensive Helmet Hall of Fame" when he was summoned to save the Yankees' dire first base situation. And not only has he been serviceable, but he's had clutch hit after clutch hit. Mind boggling.
And don't forget Hideki Matsui ... wow. He has been sent to this planet to hit baseballs, plain and simple. That stone face pulled straight off of the Japanese Baseball Mount Rushmore would not show an expression if you held dog poop under his nose. He's just a fierce player who has been overlooked in the MVP race for his lack of zeal. But a wise man once said to always beware of the expressionless ones. Or was it the quiet ones? Either way, I'm aware. I'm very aware.
Yes, I am also aware that the undertone to all of these rants has been one of fear. Just be glad the Brosius-Martinez-O'Neill contingent isn't still playing. I would be fleeing the country right now.
But the Bombers can be a fun bunch to mock as well. Chew on some of these before you head to Fenway this coming weekend so you will have some good ammo come game time.
A-Rod - it's a little harder to play metrosexual when you've put on a few pounds. Does he look bigger to anyone else out there? Maybe it's the pinstripes. But aren't those supposed to have a slimming effect? He either thought Sheffield's cream was sun tan lotion or he's taken quite the liking for cannolis. Hard to tell with the baggy uniforms whether he's ripped or ripping apart roast beef sandwiches.
Kenny Lofton - sorry it's not 1995. You're not necessary, you inside-out hitting freak.
Mariano Rivera - no, can't go there.
Bernie Williams - I still fear him, but not in the "he's so nasty" kind of way. He'll have his one big hit; he always does. But in social circles, for those of you who know "Animal House," he definitely is that guy at a party messing around on his "classical" guitar on the stairs when John Blutarsky comes along and smashes it to smithereens.
So do you see where I'm going? The Sox will be Bluto, ridding themselves of 86 years of frustration by slamming the Yankees classical guitar of success. New York and its Yankees have always had the ability to make us feel inadequate. Why can we recognize that other team to the point where we know them inside and out and want to mock them inside and out and will always hate them inside and out? Because until we smash them, we are absorbed by it.
The Twins couldn't have been the ALCS opponent. They are not that kid you can't stand but yet can't stop talking about how much you can't stand them. The Yankees are. And we're ready.
