Hook-up culture

Whatever happened to dating? College students have been asking that question for years. Every once in a while, even a newspaper will pick up the question and interview a few co-eds. The reporter finds dating's departure mostly blamed on what is universally called "the hook-up culture". While there are no (as of yet) proposals for the Senate to take on a Hook-up Culture Rep, I do not think many would deny that the culture is here and thriving at Tufts. But where did it come from? And is it here to stay?

The hook-up culture is simply an environment that expects casual sexual encounters that do not necessarily lead to anything further. Common sense would say that people hook-up for basic physical needs. They do not want to get involved in a relationship, but they do have intense desires for a sexual partner. In a word, they are horny. So they hook-up -- either with a friend or a stranger. But something makes me think folks hook-up for something more than just the raging hormones.

What makes me think horniness cannot fully explain the hook-up culture is this question: Would you hook-up with someone who was fast asleep -- totally unresponsive? You could kiss them, touch them, make them touch you, whatever you would like. But they would remain completely oblivious to you and just lay there dead to the world. Not exactly appealing, is it? A bit like eating cold oatmeal. All the physical parts are there, all the same sensations, but something is missing -- an energy, a spark, a life. There must then be a pleasure that is not strictly physical. What makes a hook-up more desirable than any pornography or anything you could do to yourself is the one pleasure neither of those could ever provide -- the consent of a partner.

A lively, animated partner is lively and animated for you and (for the moment at least) you alone. You are special. What your partner does not let the world see, she lets you see. Personal space that is ordinarily walled off from the outside world becomes open to you alone. You are being let in, given privileged access. You become, for a few moments, the center of his attention. The real thrill of a hook-up is not simply what you do with a partner, but the fact that your partner wants to be doing it with you! It is not just "She's so hot," but "She's so hot and she wants me!" Not just "He's so cute," but "He's so cute and he likes me!"

The physical pleasure does not, and cannot, exist by itself. It is inextricably tied up with the emotional. The body and soul are one. To give someone your body is to give them all of yourself. A sexual encounter is in its essence an act of deepest intimacy, and so to be considered worthy of that intimacy is powerfully affirming and very exciting. Everyone wants to be loved that much. Consensual sex is an affirmation so powerful that the porno fiend fabricates it and the rapist steals it. It is a feeling of acceptance so intoxicating that it gets pursued weekend after weekend in frat after frat.

Is it being found there? Well, how could it be? How can you find love and intimacy in a system that presupposes the meaninglessness of sex? If sex is simply handed out to anyone, then sexual intimacy becomes no big deal. Even if it happens to get handed over to you, you are no longer special. You are just a fling. The premise of the hook-up culture is to receive pleasure without commitment. But the pleasure really being sought can only come from commitment, from someone saying "Yes, I want to give my all to you and no one else." But hooking-up is all about holding back, not giving all of one's self, not committing. The more that commitment gets detached from sex, the less sex means anything. The less it means anything, the less enjoyable it becomes, and so the more hook-ups are made to get the old thrill. And on it goes, spiraling down. Trying to find intimate fulfillment by hooking-up is like trying to dig your way out of a hole in the ground.

Some people claim that they are not at all bothered by emotional needs. They get a thrill from the display of independence and sexual virility that serial hook-ups can give. Now this used to be said mostly by men. They do not talk like this much anymore (at least in public), as it seems to hinder their ability to get much play.

Appeals to self-determination and sexual empowerment to support hook-ups are now given by women. And this I find strange. I wonder what is so empowering about being, in essence, an unpaid prostitute. The boys may politely clap and publicly congratulate the women for liberating their sexuality and owning their miniskirt and so on, but privately they are having a good laugh and passing the word on who is the easy lay. A woman who embraces the hook-up culture is simply making it easier for guys to treat her as a sex object. Is this women's liberation? Both sexes can use a partner for their own selfish gratification, but more often than not, it is the woman whose hopes of a relationship get tossed in the trash. The real sexual power a woman has is to refuse to give away sex until the man has proved his commitment to her.

The hook-up culture is very deceptive. Hooking-up promises to be liberating and strengthening. Yet people find themselves needing more and more 'liquid courage' to even make the first move. Hooking-up promises fun and fulfillment and no regrets, but when morning comes it delivers the 'walk of shame.' The hook-up culture has tricked us. It has led us to believe that our emotions are disconnected from our bodies, that love is divorced from sex.

What can we do about it? Well, a culture only lasts as long as people are willing to live it. If we refuse to believe its false promises, then we can build a new culture that says sex is just too good to be thrown around. We can bring back some middle ground between random hook-ups and being joined-at-the-hip. We can bring dating back to life. Or not. We can also make the break between love and sex complete and final. We can become dead to the ache within for intimacy. We can consider ourselves simply people with assets: he has what she wants, she has what he wants. Just a mutual exchange. Just business. Cold, soulless, heartless, loveless business.

Jack Grimes is a senior majoring in Philosophy. He can be reached at grimes@tuftsdaily.com