Gobble gobble. Gobble. Gobble gobble?
GOBBBBBBBLLLLLLLE!
Sorry, had to get that out of my system. In case you couldn't guess, we're going with a Thanksgiving theme for this column. And personally, I have so much to be thankful for. My friends and family. My excellent grades, especially from my most favorite English professor who I know reads this. The Tufts Big Band, who is playing at 8 p.m. this Thursday in Goddard Chapel. But most of all, as should be expected on a day like this, I am thankful for turkey.
The turkey is a wonderful bird. They can range in height from midget-sized to gargantuan and are nasty at chess. More importantly, turkey is the only meat I've encountered that has the exact same effects as a 12-pack of Guinness. You feel like you've eaten ninety loaves of bread, your head is spinning, and you end up covered in cranberry sauce.
But sometimes it is easy for us to forget that turkeys have feelings, too. It's not easy being a holiday meal on legs. Which is exactly why farmers in England have developed a CD mix of tunes to soothe turkeys during their resting period. CNN reports that the British Farming Union has released a CD with "Gregorian chants, whale calls and rustling forest" sounds. The idea is to soothe the birds and make them relax enough that they don't kick the hell out of the farmers every time they walk by. Of course, finding the right combination of songs wasn't easy. For instance, the farmers were dismayed when they tried playing "Shake Your Tail Feathers" for the poor misguided birds. The poor Brits were shocked to find their turkeys running around in FuBu and using St. Louis slang. They finally figured out it wasn't a good idea when one turkey capped the other for "treadin' on my bling bling, gobble."
And let's not mention what happened when they tried playing "YMCA!"
There is more Thanksgiving ridiculousness for me to talk about, don't you fret. While doing research for my Turkey Extravaganza, I stumbled across an article about the Jones Soda Company. Turns out Jones has made a name for itself by coming up with creative and interesting soda flavors. Items such as Fish Taco soda have flown off the shelves (I really do wish I were making this up). So, in honor of the special holiday, the company came out with turkey and gravy-flavored soda. I kid you not -- turkey and gravy flavored carbonated drinks. It's things like this that makes me understand why the rest of the world hates Americans. Guys, guys, these inventions are great, but let's get priorities here. AIDS? Anyone remember AIDS? How about his friend cancer? All I'm saying is we need a little focus. The only thing that turkey and gravy soda brings into the world is the need for whoever drinks it to commit seppuku.
For our final little story about this topic, let's check out the hotwire news out of Germany, where a man attempted to smuggle out 177 cartons of cigarettes in his pants. The man, whose pants were so loaded (shut it, all of you) he could hardly walk, was aided by three accomplices who "formed a protective shield by holding newspapers in front of the man and his bulging trousers." Despite the thief's claim that he simply had a "mastadonic penis," the cops arrested the four on their way to the car. Oddly enough, when the man's pants were searched it was discovered his penis had disappeared. This crime has been attributed to the legendary Penis Snatchers of Africa, who are destined to become a running joke until I really just drive it into the ground.
So, to recap: Thanksgiving good, school work bad. Turkey good, tofurkey, bad. Being lazy on a holiday, good, being productive, bad. Stuffing your pants with the holiday bird, depending on what you like, can swing either way. We're tolerant here at Tufts.
Just make sure it's an American bird. You don't want to be messing around with those terrorist turkeys. That's bad mojo, man, and you might just end up sitting in a parking lot with the police riffling around in your pants.
And no one wants that, right?
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