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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Thursday, February 20, 2025

Something in the water

Do you know what the number-one selling product on campus is? Hint: it's in your bag right now. Or on the desk next to you. It comes in a bottle. And it's water. It's bottled water. Amazing.

If we take a step back, the product called "bottled water" is hardly less ridiculous than "canned air." I mean it. There's actually no other joke you can insert there. These things are both necessary for life, and both are free and in plentiful supply all around us. Imagine it, people sitting in lecture, with tubes up their noses, plugged into a can of Diputs-brand air. (What's "Diputs"? Evian = "na??ve" spelled backwards.) Everyone dutifully taking notes, nodding in understanding, and breathing clean payed-for air at a price of about two bucks a liter. (Of course, store-brand air would be something like $1.50.)

The above situation is no more absurd than what we have going on today. Look around the room. You can see probably five brands of water in the room. I've got news for you: it's all the same stuff. Just like canned air would be just air, the water from a bottle is just water.

It's hard to believe that there are aisles in the supermarket that say "water," and that people pay money for large containers of water. I really enjoy going over to the "water" aisle when there are people there agonizing over their selection, and discuss it with them as though I'm a prospective water buyer. "Oh yeah, we are almost out of water. I was thinking about serving water with dinner tonight. Better get some." On the other extreme, water is also sold in packs of bottles that hold about 250 mL of water. This is approximately -- now this is a scientific definition -- two gulps of water. Please do not support the people behind this product who thought of selling two gulps of water in individual bottles.

Now, this might totally blow your mind, but a piece of news: the stuff in the bottle is the same stuff that comes out of your kitchen sink. It's also -- hold onto your seat -- the same stuff that comes out of the sink in the bathroom, the water fountain in the hall, and the shower. It's... water!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "no. My water is better -- worth the cash. It's pure." Unless you're one of our Environmental Engineering majors, I don't think that your definition of "pure" goes any further than "clear, and without stuff floating in it." Yes, that's right. Water. The same pure water that comes out of a sink.

Or, there is an added bonus that some bottled waters have now: they're fluoridated. Awesome! Fluoride! Fluoride fights cavities that are bad things! Well, get this: do you know what other water is also fluoridated -- and always has been? The water that comes out of my Medford kitchen sink!

I guess there are some good reasons to buy bottled water sometimes. Like, at lunch for example. You're eating lunch, want a drink, like water, buy water. Right. If you really want something in a bottle, though, there is a long-standing tradition on Earth called "juice," and I encourage you to join that trend. Say it: "juice." Or you can buy something more exciting like a crazy elixir that claims to make you smarter.

Juice is giving you some fruit (you need five of those a day, you know), and that elixir is at least claiming to do something for you. If the bottle of water had to claim anything, it would say, "exactly the same as the stuff in a faucet!" If you really want water, then you can usually ask for some water, or walk to the place in the food-zone that has cups and a water container. Most food-zones have that.

There are some great alternatives to buying bottled water. When you're eating at a place that serves food, you can usually ask for water. If you're on the go, fill up that old bottle with water from the fountain or -- if you're ready for it -- from the sink.

When you have re-accepted non-bottled water back into your life, you can then graduate to the complete opposite of bottled water, both figuratively and literally: a water bottle. This is a bottle whose purpose is to hold water. They are very popular as you can see around campus - typically from the brand Nalgene. You can also just fill up an old Poland Spring bottle. They all work. Water. Unbottled, totally crazy, water. In a bottle - because you put it there. Into a water ... bottle. Beautiful.