Manners matter

Please and thank you. Speaking in turn. Ladies first. Long-held traditions of civil behavior, or antiquated rules and rituals of days passed? While our generation has much to be proud of, "good manners" is not on the list. We are social, sophisticated, intelligent, technologically gifted, eloquent and involved. But all-too-often slavish abandonment of simple etiquette overshadows even the most impressive qualities of the best and brightest. You've heard that first impressions make all the difference. Second, third and fourth impressions are not to be thrown to the wayside.

Don't get me wrong; I don't mean to say that we're all just vulgar swine. Some of us, maybe, but certainly not all of us. On the contrary, I think our parents should be more than pleased at the way we as a generation have turned out. I know my folks have always lauded my choice of top of the line, affable and thoughtful friends, and have been continuously impressed by the astuteness and wit of my classmates. Indeed, in front of parents, professors, potential employers we comport ourselves quite nicely. The problem really seems to arise when it's just us.

Being around authority figures and people who may someday prove useful is evidently enough to trigger the manners reflex in us all. But in the absence of those certain special figures, things begin to change.

We may see it as dropping airs, and thus being less stuffy, or more real, but this represents an unfortunately common misconception -- that manners are about formality. That is not accurate. Rather, proper manners show respect for the people around you. Familiarity should not negate this.

My housemates and I have lived together for four years now. I've seen them at their best, I've smelled them at their worst, but that doesn't mean that we're entirely past the point of being polite, Real World slogan be damned. We needn't be formal with one another -- elbows on the table, for instance, isn't even an issue when one eats on the couch in front of the TV -- but just being comfortable around each other doesn't mean we shouldn't be courteous.

On a grander scale, we in the Tufts community have also been together for a long time. We're all about the same age, we see each other all the time, and so formalities easily become moot. But showing your appreciation for something by saying "thank you," or politely excusing yourself when crawling over people to get to the restroom during class aren't formalities, they're nice. They show consideration for your fellow man and are never out of place even amongst your most intimate companions.

It doesn't seem rigid to be polite. It shouldn't be awkward. Between you and me, all the cool people have good manners. Manners make you look good. Even if you couldn't care less about being polite to your peers, it's good for your image to at least act like you do. People notice. It might not be something we think or talk about often, but people notice common courtesies.

And it works both ways. Being rude or even neutral can work against you. Plenty of sweet, well-meaning people forget about manners sometimes, and while it doesn't stand out when they do something polite -- for that's to be expected -- it's glaringly apparent when they forsake proper etiquette. It stands out and reflects poorly on the person.

There are a few basic practices that, if remembered and embraced, can do wonders for your image, for your conscience, and most importantly, for your friends.

1. Be appreciative. We all know we are supposed to say "please" and "thank you," but it's amazing how often it seems to slip our minds. It's such a commonplace thing that it's easy to forget. But appreciation cannot be implied; you really should say it. If you want a favor it should be acknowledged that it is a favor. That's what the "please" is for. If a favor has been done for you, the doer must also know that you are glad that he or she did it. Hence, "thank you." Nobody wants to be taken for granted. Just let 'em know you're grateful. Even the little gestures count.

2. Shake hands. If you're walking by someone you know and you give the head nod you can look perfectly hip. If you do the same thing upon first meeting someone it seems dismissive and rude. We're certainly young enough to pull of the aloof-cool, but we're too old to get away with ignoring introduction protocol. You can tell a lot about a person by his or her handshake. Imagine what it says if you don't shake hands at all. So don't be shy, stick out your hand, give a good hardy shake, and make a great impression.

3. Remember the basics. Don't talk with your mouth full. Do hold the door for the person behind you. Don't point. Do offer to pay for gas. Don't forget your place. Do send thank-you cards. Simple guidelines, easily followed, much appreciated.

The bottom line is that manners are too often overlooked. Common courtesies seem second nature, and yet by virtue of being common they are easily neglected. At the same time, manners have been somehow stigmatized in such a way that they appear inappropriate in a familiar setting. Politeness shows you care. Politeness looks good. Politeness will never work against you. So please think of giving your manners handbook a quick glossing-over, and everyone will benefit. Thank you.