Aussie rules footy

G'day mates. I'm here today to tell you about the great sport of football. "Football," you ask? "What could some crazy Aussie bloke tell us, Americans, about our game of football?" Well, I'm not talking about the sport in which half-ton men wearing more padding than the Michelin Man crouch in a line for five minutes, move ten feet down the field (with four chances to do so), then bring on new players. I'm talking about the real sport of football, Australian rules football, or 'footy', as it is known Downunda'.

Aussie rules is a real man's sport. If you think playing four fifteen-minute quarters of stop-start action on a 100-yard field while wearing hit-absorbing body armor is hard, then you are horribly mistaken. Try playing four half-hour quarters on an oval 180 yards long and 150 yards wide (for those not yet in the Metric world), wearing no padding whatsoever (only shorts and sleeveless top) and running non-stop, like soccer, for each quarter. Now you have a clearer view of footy.

It doesn't stop there, however. Footy is a game of speed, agility, strength, continuity, teamwork, and, at the simplest level, the ability to kick an oblong-shaped ball up to 65 yards. Unlike American football, Aussie rules flows freely, with play pausing only momentarily for free kicks. Players often run the equivalent of a marathon per match.

Aussie rules originated in the 1850s in the state of Victoria. Likened to a cross between Gaelic football and rugby, footy quickly developed a distinct identity, thanks largely to a bloke named Tom Wills, who used it to keep his cricket team (another traditional Australian sport, originally from Jolly 'Ole England) in shape during winter.

Footy, however, quickly developed into Australia's favorite sport, with 16 professional teams nationally, ten of them in the City of Melbourne. The regular season runs March to August (Aussie winter), with games played once a week for 22 weeks, culminating in a finals series. The Grand Final, perhaps the biggest event on the Australian sporting calendar, occurs in September at the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground), a multi-purpose stadium that holds over 100,000 screaming fans barracking (Aussie for 'rooting') for their team.

The basic rules are quite simple. The aim is to get the ball down to your end of the field and kick a goal. Simple, you think? Nope. Go out on the Res Quad, try bouncing an American football every 15 yards while running at full speed and try to get it to bounce back to you.

Congratulations, you've learned an important rule: no running non-stop with the ball. Now imagine you are surrounded by 35 other players, 18 of whom want to steal the ball from you and your 17 teammates. To dispose of the ball you may kick it to a teammate, who can 'mark' the ball, or catch it in the air, without it being touched in flight.

A high-soaring mark is called a "screamer" or a "specky." If your teammate (or intercepting opponent) 'takes the mark,' the ball is in his possession and the opposition cannot take it from him; however, if he drops the ball or plays on (keeps running with it) then the ball, and your teammate are fair game for the opposition. They may tackle him or scoop up a loose ball.

If you're clutching desperately for something common between your football and my football, this is known as a 'turnover' in both sports. An alternative to kicking the ball is a handball. The ball is punched from your palm with your fist, and cannot be thrown. However, when caught by a teammate, it is not considered a mark, and play therefore continues.

"Crikey," you say. "This Aussie bloke's off his cracker. How the heck do you score?" Don't get your knickers in a knot mates, I'm getting there. Unlike American football, there are no touchdowns. There are two tall white goalposts, between which the ball must be kicked for a goal, worth six points. On the outside of the goalposts are two shorter point posts. A ball kicked between one of these and the goalpost scores a "behind," or one point. After a goal, the umpire bounces the ball in the center of the ground to restart play.

"So," you ask. "Why on earth would anyone want to play this game?" A couple up-and-coming players early in their professional careers had a few thoughts.

"It's rewarding because I'm playing something I've loved for so long," Steven Armstrong, 18, of the Melbourne Demons says. Armstrong played 13 games last season as a rookie. "There is pressure to succeed, whether it be from the coaching staff, other players, supporters or even oneself. But the pressure's what keeps you going and is what makes the game the best in Australia."

"It's something I have worked towards since I was 11 years old," Demons teammate Brad Miller, 19, said. "So I guess you could say it's everything I have ever dreamed of. The best thing [about playing] would be making a career out of something that you absolutely love doing."

Playing is demanding, however. "It's a lot of hard work, but it's all part of working towards being a great player in the end," Nick Ries, 20, of the Hawthorn Hawks explained. "I do put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, because with new players coming into a club I have to perform. But one great aspect is the mateship that you build up over the years."

So strap on your helmets folks... (hang on, wrong sport). Grab a meat pie with sauce, the traditional wintry footy food, don your team colors, and join in the fun of one of the world's greatest sports, the real game of football, Aussie rules footy.