The Daily's helm will be relinquished to female control for the first time in three years, as Rachel "Queen of the Doghouse" Rubenson takes charge as editor-in-chief. Coupled with her notorious zeal, Rubenson's promotion has assuaged fears that the Daily will lose its long-time Sig Ep connection. Flour importers have rejoiced at the news, hoping that her Bake-For-Morale campaign will spell higher profits.
Outgoing Editor-n-Chief Russell "Legally Brunette" Capone will head down the red line to Harvard Law School, though he has promised to help Rubenson with interdepartmental relations. Brown and Brew is working overtime to find a way to cope with the projected revenue losses from his caffeine habit.
Joining Rubenson on the exec board of the new "Happy Daily" are Managing Editor Daniel "Balla from White Plains" Fowler, and Associate Editors Emily "Excited to have a real co-editor" Chasan, and Adam "Creepy" Cooper. Fowler's plans include running collages once a week and reversing Russ' business casual trend by making everyone wear their pants low.
Leaving exec are Will "My thesis is a study on thongs" Kinlaw and Sheryl "Utsocsid" Gordon. Kinlaw will be remembered for his grace in ordering food, his talent at pulling space wires, and his legacy as Daily pimp. Gordon will live in Davis Square and continue work on cultivating the Daily alumni network - and relations with The Boston Globe and Providence Journal.
Leading the news department in its quest to not hurt anybody's feelings will be Veronica "Not that Innocent" Aguilar and Jamie "Exec still thinks I'm hot" Cox. Aguilar sees fostering closer relations with the Senate as a main objective for her rein in news. The ladies will be assisted by Jonathan "Man-boobs" Lee, Parker "Taking my roommate's place" Clote, Sarah "Pity me, I went to high school with notorious Daily quitter Josh Belkin" Dalglish, Jordi "I quit" Timerman. Hopefully Timerman's relationship with quitter Drew "I suck" Shelton will not influence her performance.
News Editor Nicolas "The Excusiator 2002" Ferre heads to Spain for the year, where people will continue to mispronounce his name. We hope he will not be too homesick for beautiful, historic, scenic Libertyville, his blocks of cheese, or boy scout camp... disagree. Though he will be out of the country, he will still not be out of the doghouse.
The Special Projects department plans to actually operate next semester, though it will now be referred to by the Canadian pronunciation, Special Pr(jects. Leading the department will be Erika "Downstream" Langer and Jonathan "Life peaked during my holiday" Graham, and they will be assisted by Victoria "Double-teaming" Luxardo. Leaving Special Projects are Jacob "What article?" Silberberg and Joe "What deadline?" Welch.
Features will be downsizing next semester but will continue to be cute. Jane "am I allowed to go home now?" Shtilman takes over the department from Laura "Isreali" Israel, Amanda "The Pessimist" Munoz, and Joanna "Going for a promotion" Friedman. Julia "Really excited to be on the Daily" Lifschultz stays on as an assistant.
Arts will never be as cool again with the departure of Rob "Really glad to be out of here" Lott. However, Lauren "I never realized how loud I am" Phillips promises that arts' presence in the office will never go unnoticed. Phillips will be assisted by Taylor "My reviews are longer than the movies" Shann, Alex "I'm cool because I'm in Sig Ep and from NH" Moerlin, Salima "I'm only here for the free food" Appiah-Kubh, and Marc "Study room of Houston" Frost.
In sports, Ethan "No one has ever heard me talk" Austin ensures that the New York influence from the department has been removed with Fowler's departure to exec. Sports' Baltimore influence will be maintained, however, but Manali "I'm back" Shah, and Elliott "The schmooze" Wiley Jr, who will join Austin and Beibhinn "Tall and quiet" O'Donoghue as full editors. Ethan "Bald Leprechaun" Schwartz will serve as an assistant and will maintain the department's tendency to have two editors with the same name. Despite Shah's skills, there is no way the new department can rival the alcoholism of outgoing editors Neal "I really quit this time" McMahon, Neil "Still drunk from Spring Fling" Taylor, and Erin "Quote goes here" Desmarais. Her fun-filled Madlib writing style will be missed.
Viewpoints is another department that has promised to actually exist next semester, as Jess "Fowler's friend" Wells and Sophia "Friend of Fowler's friend" Fircanis take over the department. The entire Daily is anxious to see how graduating Viewpoints editor Ilene "Can someone please get me a job" Stein will be able to cope when she doesn't live with Kim Fox next year.
In photo, the "revolution" will be revived next semester, as Andrea "A-lo" Bedoya, Amy "Smiley" Berkowitz, and Christine "Thank goodness physics with Russ and Will is over" Hendrickson take over the show. The three will be assisted by Laura "Want some candy?" Boudreau, Will "Among the women" Wittels, and Carrie "I'm only coming back if Benny comes back to sing to me" Gagel. Now that photo comes to events, the department might start to rival arts in coolness.
Leaving photo are Justin "J-dogg" Golub, Trevor "T-Max" Harris, and Chlo?© "Old exec thought I was hot" Sallin - wait, they were on the masthead? Marie "Tasty always messed up my order" Lee will take a break from sniffing darkroom chemicals to head to France, while Yeechin "Super Bureaucrat" Huang graduates.
Production will continue to be the most estrogen-heavy department next semester. Mollie "Problem-set" Greenfield takes the reins as production director, and she promises not to let "the giggles" interrupt her late nights next semester. Even though she has finished pledging, the Daily will still ask Greenfield to wear her Hawaiian outfit to the office for her late nights.
Mark "Spunk & drive" E-vitt, Denise "I'm engaged" Ho, Bridget "Denise" Behling, and Sarah "What will I do without Justine?" Kimball will serve as production managers, though all are upset that Will won't be around to flirt with them next semester. Layout editors will be Rebecca "Best meeting attendance" Alspector and Shubha "Almost as quiet as Ethan" Jayaram.
The copy editing department will never be as cute after the departure of Justine "Sarah" Alger, Jonathan "20 questions" Dworkin, and Beth "Align this, please" Birdsall. However, Hannah "Always smiling" Suh plans to keep the pep in the department. Dave "I really want to get out of copy editing" Perkiss will have her back while he prepares to defect to other departments.
Brad "No one knows who I am" Callow will stay on as graphics editor next semester, and hopefully will finally find the Daily office. He will probably continue thinking that Benny is editor-in-chief.
The Information Technology department has never been the same since Josh Belkin left - in a very good way. Belkin's evil plot to sabotage the archives failed thanks to the work of Gloria "Thank goodness he's gone" Chen, who will serve as online editor once again and will be assisted by Vince "Upload" Tran. Systems Manager Seth "Sad to my love, the file server" Kaufman is glad to graduate and get out of the virus-ridden Curtis Hall.
In business, Luxardo will continue her term as Executive Business Director, and while she may be on the masthead twice, she still only gets one nickname. Luxardo promises that if Dave "Didn't earn a dime the Daily gave me" Lattanzi doesn't embezzle all our money before he leaves, she will find us better food than Picante in the fall. Danny "Victoria swears I'm enthusiastic" Kleinman takes over as business manager, while Joshua "K-Flake" Weisstuch will continue to supply as with toner as office manager. Parker "I'll bring my tours to the Daily office" Perez, Wen "Scanning queen" Cai, and Cuong "Low profile" Pham will serve as ad managers, while Julia "Minnesota Pride" Feld leaves to go abroad. Margo "Cutest Office Worker" Hanlan will serve as receivables manager when Rachel "No more Daily parties at my house" Finkelstein graduates.
Also leaving the Daily are editorial page editors Jeremy "I should be paid" Wang-Iverson, who is still debating moving to Providence to become Dan Barbarisi's love slave, and Jon "Number one four years running" Japha. The women on the Daily will greatly miss Japha's...er....column.
Overall, the ant problems, cup shortage, and constant resignations have made this a fun semester down in Curtis Hall. We look forward to another semester of Sig Ep holes in the walls at Daily parties, drunken trips to IHOP, and continuing our legacy of spelling names wrong.