Let me start off this column with a disclaimer: I'm glad that I go to Tufts and not Harvard.
To be honest, I didn't always feel this way. There was a time, long, long ago, when, like many dorky kids from suburban New Jersey, I hoped against hope that the words "wait list" weren't just some cruel joke. Unlike many other Ivies that year, Harvard actually DID let in a few people off of its wait list. Thankfully, I was not among them. I have done more at Tufts, a place that I have grown to love over the course of my four years hear, than I would've ever dreamed of at Harvard or any other college. But that's neither here nor there and has NOTHING to do with this column, so let's move on.
Once in a while, I do hear news about something really awesome happening at Harvard. One such item is the naming of their graduation speaker for this year. On June 6, the Harvard class of 2001 will have the pleasure of hearing from none other than U2 frontman Bono. Now, to be honest, June 6 is Class Day at Harvard, not graduation. Also, according to sources, Bono will be talking about his work on debt relief, not necessarily about his music. Still, neither of these truths negates the fact that hearing Bono speak is pretty damn cool.
As a senior hoping to graduate in May, this news definitely caught my attention. Wouldn't it be unimaginably cool if Tufts managed to get a speaker of similar entertainment industry clout to speak at my graduation? Last year, we managed to score Bill Cosby. True, Mr. Cosby has spoken at nearly every commencement EVER, but I was still impressed and charmed when he stood in front of the class of 2000 wearing a Tufts sweatshirt. I also felt an overwhelming need for a Jell-O pudding pop.
Just last week, the Daily announced that Kofi Annan would be speaking at the Fletcher graduation. That made sense. Now I realize that the Arts and Sciences graduation speaker is probably all but confirmed already, but I felt it necessary, in light of Harvard's spectacular choice, to present my case for a number of possible graduation speakers in the entertainment field, both music and otherwise. Should the administration take notice, or perhaps even anticipate my wishes, I will perhaps get over the not-so-minor slight of not being picked to be the Wendell Phillips speaker. (Yes, sore loser is a state ingrained in my being.)
My knee-jerk reaction to the phrase "graduation speaker" is Oprah Winfrey. She may not be a perfect human being, but it blows my mind to think about all she's accomplished. She overcame all sorts of adversity to become one of the most powerful people in entertainment. Even supposed chinks in her armor, such as In some ways, I suppose that Oprah would be a clich?©d choice. She does speak at countless graduations every year. Then again, Cosby's speech last May was hardly the exception for him. Think about all of the knowledge that a woman like Oprah could impart upon the Class of 2001. She literally has her hand in every aspect of the media. The Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah's Book Club, O Magazine, a number of motion pictures and TV movies, Oxygen (her cable network), Oprah.com... need I go on? Maybe she'd even have a picture of herself wearing a Tufts sweatshirt on the cover of her magazine. Now, even I think that's a bit weird. Putting yourself on the cover of every magazine? If Oprah did come to our commencement, I'd have to have a little chat with her about that. My next suggestion would be Anthony Hopkins. Oh, excuse me, Sir<> Anthony Hopkins. He's definitely very topical with the recent release of Hannibal. Grossing $103 million in two weekends is quite the feat. I saw the film during its opening weekend and enjoyed it. It's got NOTHING on Silence of the Lambs, but there was little hope that it could possibly even come close. In fact, just to prove it to myself, I watched Silence of the Lambs again the other night. The scene where Clarice first meets Lecter, with the camera panning across his glass cell, still creeps me out to the max. But then I heard that Hopkins won the Hasty Pudding Man of the Year Award. In a year that Harvard honors him, we have him as commencement speaker? I think not. Now, I would be really impressed if Tufts' administration thought outside the box when choosing a graduation speaker. For my next proposal, I submit *NSYNC. Now, I know what you're thinking. "They're a group, not a person, silly!" Imagine how beneficial it would be to the Class of 2001 to hear the viewpoints of not just one, but FIVE successful people? They are all just around our age and could really appeal to our demographic much more than just about anyone else Tufts has gotten in the past. Even the Backstreet Boys would be a bit too old. I was thinking they could start with a performance of "It's Gonna Be Me" and then each of the members could come up for a short speech. The ceremony is already long as heck so they would have to be prepped to make brief comments. Maybe Justin could convince Britney to speak as well. Whoa. That might be a bit too much. At the end - to bring it all together - they could then perform "Bye, Bye, Bye." How fitting is that? I am a genius. For my next recommendation, I return to a much more traditional commencement speaker. This man is a master of social interactions and quite the brilliant strategist. He is also a survivor of the highest order. Yup, you guessed it, my fourth commencement speaker recommendation is none other than Richard Hatch. In case you are a pop-tard, Richard Hatch was the winner of the summer ratings phenom, Survivor. He managed to survive 39 days on a deserted island and defeat 15 others (including my personal fave, oh-so-cute Colleen) to win $1 million. Richard is an incredibly intelligent man who just recently published a book. It's not about his experience on Survivor because he's contractually banned from doing anything like that. Instead, it's more like a guide to life. 101 Survival Secrets: How to Win $1,000,000, Lose 100 Pounds, and Just Plain Live Happily would be the perfect topic for a commencement speech. The way I envision it is that Richard could run up through the graduates with the music from Survivor (for the record, it's called "Ancient Voices" and is composed by Russ Landau... yes, I am an ever bigger dork than you all thought). Maybe he could be holding the immunity idol. For my mom and dad's sake, if not for my own, I definitely require that he be dressed. None of this 'birthday suit' bullshit. My final suggestion is my most serious. I would absolutely and unequivocally die if Tufts, by some bizarre grace of God, managed to get this person to speak at our graduation. She is an international personality. She is a pop sensation. She is the mom of two. She still looks unimaginably hot at the age of 42. She is Madonna. Since Evita, she's even learned the importance of good diction. She'd probably be overqualified for any other commencement, but we all know just how special the Tufts Class of 2001 has become over the last four years. No one on this earth has had a life quite like Madonna's. Imagine all that she must have learned over the years. I was thinking that we might hand out copies of Sex with the commencement programs. Or maybe we could just have a sample of the book right in the program! How brilliant would that be? I'd want a picture of Madonna making out with Naomi Campbell on the page with my name on it. As with *NSYNC, it would be really swell if she could maybe throw in a performance to cap off her speech. Her song "I'll Remember" would be very fitting. Then again, so would "Justify My Love" and "Like a Virgin." How would one ever choose? For the sake of the paper, I'm going to stop here and limit myself to only five commencement recommendations. For the record, here are some more that I thought up (some serious, some a bit less so): Kevin Spacey, Ricky Martin, Arundhati Roy, Eminem (maybe there'd be a sit-in!), Joan Allen, David Letterman, Michael Ovitz, Connie Chung (whatever happened to her?), Lil' Kim, Stephen King, Tori Amos, the cast of Dawson's Creek, and, finally, Joe Roth (formerly of Disney, currently of Revolution Studios). I hope administrators are listening. For their sake - and yours - I'd best be appeased.
