Something unbelievable just happened to me. It was so unbelievable that for a little while I was almost convinced that it didn't really happen. But now there is no doubt in my mind. I heard what I heard. It happened while I was sitting in the campus center, at Hotung Cafe, a place where I have sat so many times before and will sit many more times in the future. But on this day, I experienced something which I never thought I would directly experience at Tufts - racism.
I had just left Halligan and was in the mood to read. Feeling hungry, I decided to stop by Hotung and relax a little while eating. Wheel of Fortune was on. It was the same old show with the same old goal: solve the puzzle and win prizes. The contestants seemed ordinary. As I was watching, about four or five guys sat down by the television around me. They were definitely athletes, I could tell by their frames and the clothes they wore. I even noticed that one of them was wearing a sweatshirt that had a football helmet on it. On the surface, nothing about them seemed unusual, although I did notice that they sat a good distance away from me. So, I went back to watching the show. It was Carole's turn to spin the wheel. She was a black, middle-aged woman who cheerfully exclaimed that she "loves life" when Pat Sajak introduced her. Her spin was a successful one. She landed on some money and picked a letter that was in the puzzle. As she was celebrating with excitement and laughter, I heard someone say something in a low, muffled voice. "Fucking nigger," he said.
It was very subtle, almost as if the person who had said it was saying it only to himself. But as soon as I heard that comment, I doubted that it was ever said. I wanted to believe that it was just a slur of words that sounded like that. I wanted to believe that I had misunderstood it. I looked over at them and noticed that one of those guys met my eyes. I don't think he was the one that said it, but the mere fact that he met my eyes said a great deal. I guess he must have been waiting to see my reaction. He wanted to see if I was going to do anything or say anything. But I didn't react. I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't even attempt to clarify in my own mind that what I heard was indeed a racist remark. And that's what really angers me. More than anything else, what makes me furious is that I did nothing. I didn't confront these guys, I didn't question, I didn't raise a voice. I sat silently and continued watching the damn show. Certainly, I was confused and I was shocked. Maybe I didn't want to believe that what just happened was a bona fide incident of ignorance. Maybe I was lazy and didn't want to make a scene and feel uncomfortable.
Maybe I was trying to convinced myself that it was a harmless remark. I mean, black people call each other "nigger" all the time, right? Whatever the reason, I know now in my heart that this was different. What this person said was intended to be negative. He meant to reduce that black woman on the TV screen to something less than a human, something smaller than himself. And I didn't do anything. I didn't do a thing! And that scares me. It terrifies me because I think of how deep-seeded these kinds of things are, how unbelievably innocent they can appear on the surface, how they can numb you, how it numbed me.
Right now, there are so many questions and confusing thoughts going through my mind. I don't understand why I didn't act. I feel as though I didn't do the right thing. Being silent is not the answer. I know in my heart that this will happen again, and I wonder if I will have the courage to act then. Will I be able to come to my mind quicker? And if I do, what will happen then? Will I fly off the handle and just start pummeling these guys, knowing fully well that I'll probably be the one ending up in the hospital, or worse? Will I start yelling, screaming, throwing chairs and flipping tables? I don't know, and it frustrates me. It makes me want to turn time back and do it over again, but I know I cannot do that. I can only prepare myself for when it happens again. And I know that it will, but until that time comes, this question will constantly be in the back of my mind: "Will I be ready?"
Alok Lal is agraduate student at the College of Engineering with a concentration in computer science. He attended Tufts as an undergraduate.
