To the delight of the faithful in-house New Jersey crowd and wrestling fans around the globe, WWF RAW saw the return of one of its most powerful personalities this Monday night. Vince McMahon, owner, founder, and resident whipping boy of the World Wrestling Federation, announced his long-awaited return to the world he created, providing for a truly memorable program.
Upon arriving in his limo a half hour into the program, Vince seemed hell-bent on dissolving the much-anticipated Hell-in-the-Cell match scheduled for this Sunday's pay-per-view special, Armageddon. This match promises to be awesome, as it will feature six of the WWF's best wrestlers in one ring, battling it out for the world title. With the Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple-H, Rikishi, and our Olympic hero Kurt Angle all in one steel cage, kicking the crap out of each other, this match will simply be unreal.
Citing the dangerous nature of Hell-in-the-Cell, McMahon admitted that he does not wish to lose all his best wrestlers in one match. He systematically visited the superstars in the locker room and attempted to persuade them to refuse the match. Even though these feeble ploys were pretty funny, the whole angle was completely full of crap. There is no way that this match will be canceled, and this hoax was put in simply to set up the dazzling ending to this Monday's RAW.
At the end of the program, Vince was slated to give his "State of the WWF Address," a pretty pathetic speech, with attacks aimed at Commissioner Mick Foley. Vince acted as if he was unaware of the events that have occurred since his vacation, which was quite amusing considering he is responsible for the script. After about five minutes of abusing Foley - from his match making skills to his gigantic fat ass - the Commissioner waddled to the ring to offer his rebuke.
Rattlesnake Steve Austin followed Foley, storming to the ring simply to apply his customary 'Stunner' to the boss and then chugged a beer. We haven't seen Austin give the stunner to Vince in quite a while and, frankly, it was a beautiful sight.
Taking after Austin, the Rock ran to the ring just as Stone Cold left and proceeded to apply his signature move on the dazed McMahon, the 'Rock Bottom.' While we thought this might be the end, RAW went one step further. Meeting the Rock on the runway, the American Bad Ass Undertaker came to the ring. Now most people, after being both 'Rock Bottomed' and 'Stunned,' might see the wisdom in staying on the ground, especially with only two minutes left in the program.
Unfortunately this multi-billionaire wasn't able to see the logic in this. Vince once again struggled to his feet only to be ravaged one more time by the Undertaker's thunderous 'Last Ride.' While Vince stated that he wished for the safety of his top wrestlers, the three superstars responded with a powerful "Piss off, jackass!"
In an episode that otherwise featured very little wrestling action, the majority of RAW consisted of wrestler speeches. Reaffirming his status as the top speaker in the WWF, the Rock gave a truly memorable interview. While we were among the many who had transferred that distinction to WWF Champion Kurt Angle, after the Brahma Bull's Monday night monologue, we're giving the award back to the Rock, if you smell what we're cookin'.
With interviewer Kevin Kelly asking about this Sunday's Hell-in-the-Cell match, the Rock offered other suggestions for its name including, "painus-in-your-anus." This was somewhat disturbing coming from a man who wears only a black spandex bikini bottom into the ring. He then went on to do impressions of the other five wrestlers involved in this match. He insulted the "thong-wearing fatty" Rikishi, also touching on his stupidity and lack of personality. He made fun of the Undertaker's trademark eye-rolls, called Triple-H's wife a "two-dollar skank," suggested that Kurt Angle must pop three Viagras before having sex, and ridiculed Steve Austin for being a dumb redneck.
Overall, the show featured very little wrestling, which is how it should be. The WWF has exhausted every possible match-up between wrestlers, and nobody cares anymore whether the Dudley Boys put Edge and Christian or the Hardy Boys through a table. It was funny the first 583 times, but even we have a limit on how much stupidity we can tolerate. This show featured some of the best verbal sparring we have ever heard, and will be hard to top.
However, we have complete faith that Vince will find a way. To see how, watch Smackdown this Thursday at 8 p.m. on UPN, and the pay-per-view special, Armageddon, this Sunday night at 8 p.m.
