Who would have guessed that Decision 2000's most exciting decision would swirl around miscounted butterfly ballots in Florida? That this year's campaign would make history, not for its memorable debates, its ideological meaning, or its charismatic characters, but rather for its electoral stumble-stutter-stretch to the finish?
Historic drama to one side however, isn't this latest sensation just the next logical step in a deeper media trend towards dumbing down content and sexing up surfaces? I mean, I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but from the corporate media's viewpoint, this fiasco is practically fit to order. On the one hand, it liberates commentators from the vacuity of their safely selected (and oh so boring) substance, and on the other it allows them to exercise their true talents - manipulating tension, spreading hype, flooding the airwaves with hour upon hour of "expert" testimony, and constitutional minutiae punctuated by down to the wire poll updates in bright red and blue. Who needs content, when the form can be so snazzy?!
Yet, as our democratic consciousness metamorphoses into a cross between Keno compulsion and trivial pursuit class (Constitutional edition), I can't but marvel at a cluster of monstrous ironies that somehow have eluded the media's attention:
Just think what the season has brought...
One the one hand: The defeat of a Massachusetts ballot initiative to channel funds into drug treatment programs, (which numerous studies show to be the most cost-effective way to stop drug use).
On the other: The (possible) election of a president who favors not only the bloody and expensive military intervention in Colombia and the million man incarceration of drug users, but who may himself be a former coke-snorter.
On the one hand: Presidential debates that excluded Ralph Nader and were sponsored by Budweiser.
On the other: The (possible) victory of a candidate who can't spell Ralph Nader, and who's been arrested for drunk driving.
On the one hand: The widely aired pleas of retired Floridians, who claim that the confusing format of the "butterfly ballot" has rendered them "disenfranchised."
On the other: The success of a Massachusetts ballot initiative stripping prisoners of their right to vote.
On the one hand: Rumors that the US itself may need UN observers to sort out exactly what the hell happened in Florida.
On the other: The declaration that despite the wholesale massacre of Palestinians by Israeli troops in the occupied territories, the US will veto any UN resolution to send observers or peace-keepers into the West Bank.
On the one hand: The Gore and Bush Presidential campaigns spend approximately $300 million in corporate contributions on campaign ads, while party-backed "Get out the vote" programs work night and day to end "voter apathy."
On the other: Voter turnout goes up two points; only 49 percent of the electorate decides to stay home this year.
On the one hand: Listening to NPR on the way home from school, I am told repeatedly that Americans are deciding who to vote for based on a feeling in their gut.
On the other: I start to get a feeling in my gut.
On the one hand: I switch stations to AM talk radio and listen as a the host brings some historical perspective to the recent Constitutional Conundrum:"You know you gotta really hand it to the Founding Fathers, man. I mean, here were a bunch of guys that had a vision. They weren't in it for selfish reasons. No way, they came over here all the way across the Atlantic. They were blessed with great natural resources, and hey, you can say what you want about the black-white thing, about them only counting black people as only two-thirds of white people, but they knew what they were doing. They did the best they could. They wrote a Constitution that we still abide by to this day. And now we're the most important and powerful country in the world. You gotta love it."
On the other: My gut starts to quiver.
On the one hand: The host continues his lessons in political-economy, railing now about "The Red Chinese" and how thanks to Clinton-Gore giving away nuclear secrets, the arms race has been "re-ignited." "We cannot be too careful," he says, "You've got to remember, not everybody out there sees with the same eyes as we do. We like to think everybody's as nice as we are, but, unfortunately, that isn't the case." [No one contests him; apparently whatever eyes he is seeing with, the rest of his listening public shares them.]
On the other: I just can't take it anymore, I clutch my gut and vomit over the windshield and blinded, lose control of the car, spinning my way off this American media nightmare. I'm way overfed on this culture where the lack of organized opposition to the substance-free tyranny of our corporate-state is interpreted by pundits and experts alike as definitive testimony to the wisdom and foresight of the Founding Fathers, and the grandeur of our empire... I mean... republic. No matter what issue arises, it's always just more evidence for the fact that nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Our political system is the best in the world. Hold a hand over you hearts and thank your God for the glory of this peaceful transfer of power. Be grateful that we don't have helicopters swirling in the night, rattling off machine gun fire on the White House lawn. Thank your lucky stars we haven't got some wacko seizing power.
The wackos, we all know, live elsewhere. The "experts" tell us so. The helicopters and machine gun bullets are for "extremists." Arab fundamentalists. Colombian Narco-Demons. We only sell them the guns. We only train the death squads. We only back the bastards. They're not our problem at all. [Sssnort... ssssnort ....ahhh] Not at all.
Spun-out on the roadside, the man with the badge and the gun approaches me...
No, sir I have not been drinking, I tell him, wiping my nose and chin.
No sir, I've just been listening to the radio like everybody else...
Everything's fine.
Really.
Joe Ramsey is a graduate student studying English.
