This past Halloween, J.K. Rowling — the author of the beloved “Harry Potter” series — released six short stories about the “Harry Potter” universe, adding more detail to her titular character’s fantasy world. Released through the Pottermore website, Rowling added yet another batch of irrelevant and trite facts to the seemingly ever growing “Harry Potter” universe. We at the Daily Arts department are watching with skeptical eyes. J.K. Rowling is starting to look an awful like George Lucas, if you know what we mean. Is there a Jar-Jar Binks on the horizon? We can only cross our fingers and pray to Dumbledore’s ghost that we will be spared. But, in the meantime, we’ve compiled a list for Rowling so that she might not ruin one of the best (Chudley) cannons of all time.
10. No one can stomach another weird relationship: Harry and Ginny? Ron and Hermione? Good god, Rowling. We all know that it should have been Hagrid and Harry in the end.
9. Pottermore is stupid: “Wait, you’re telling me that I can log onto a website that doesn’t quite work and muddle through page after slowly loading page to read 500 new words about the series that ended seven years ago?!? Sign me up!”
8. Harry lost all his cool powers: Homeboy can’t talk to snakes in walls anymore so he’s pretty much worthless.
7. The magical world is just turning into the normal world: No one cares about the characters when they aren’t actively doing magic. Wow, Umbridge is still the worst possible person ever. Good to know.
6. There’s no more cool drama: Not even cool stuff about our favorite characters. We haven’t heard about Luna or Neville in forever — but at least now we know that Thestrals are native to Western Europe, so …
5. All our heroes had kids and are lame now: They just drive that stupid flying car around and lecture their kids about not eating too many chocolate frogs or whatever. No one cares about old people with children — that’s why all of our parents are so sad.
4. They don’t live at Hogwarts anymore: It’s probably true that the only reason we liked this series to begin with is that Hogwarts is a dream location with amazingly cool things like hidden rooms and passages. Now they just live in normal houses where the dishes wash themselves. Still cool, but decidedly less so.
3. There’s actually nothing more to say: Like, you can’t make a living off of adding ten more details every few years to your famous series. What if the “Twilight” lady was like, “P.S. Fun fact, the vampires in my books loved drinking blood!”? Yeah, we just compared “Twilight” to “Harry Potter” — that’s how mad we are.
2. We’ve all grown out of it: This information would have rocked our worlds six years ago, but it’s hard to find kids who grew up with the series who actually care about these half-baked realizations anymore. Your weird Florida cousins are probably loving it — they’ll be sure to put out extra sugar water for the garden fairies tonight in celebration.
1. VOLDEMORT IS DEAD: Okay, but actually, when Voldemort dies just end everything. Nothing matters after he’s dead. Everything is boring and dumb like normal life. J.K. — you’re ruining everything.