Halloween is just around the corner, and you have yet to assemble a decent costume. Why the delay? Well, let's just pretend it's because of your self-respect.
Every time you step into a Halloween store or browse for costumes online, you're confronted by a dilemma — your options are severely limited to prize pieces like "Slutty Nurse" or "Slutty Bumblebee." And although you enjoy it when other people find you attractive, these costumes lack the air of subtlety and mystery that you would prefer when interacting with the opposite sex. After all, wearing a French maid's outfit in 40-degree weather doesn't exactly say, "I'm beautiful, intellectual and interesting," as much as it just says desperate.
Besides, with every Halloween store selling the same pants-less costumes, how can you guarantee that five other girls won't be sporting the same outfit? Or, equally awful — you'll run into the slutty Batgirl to your slutty Supergirl, or the slutty Mad Hatter to your slutty Alice.
Well, fear no more. The fashion world is an incredible source for non-slutty, non-sexy attire to make you stand out like the dignified and unique individual that you are. Here are a few Vogue-certified ways to de-sexify your Halloween.
Harem Pants: This is an option for both males and females, and it's a great way to channel a few innocent Disney characters like Aladdin and Jasmine. Women should be careful, however, and avoid revealing too much midriff, as that will cancel out the penis-repelling balloon pants and hurtle you back into the realm of sexual fantasy. Try pairing your harem pants with a large headscarf or a fashionable turban in order to ensure the desired effect.
Bleached/Shaved Eyebrows: I explained the missing eyebrows phenomenon in a previous column, when I referenced Adriana Lima's alien-like forehead in the fall Givenchy ad campaign. This look would be perfect for upping the scare factor of a vampire, witch or fetus costume. Unfortunately, it might be a little more permanent than what you're going for, and thus requires at least a month-long commitment to involuntary celibacy.
Jumpsuits: Jumpsuits open up a whole slew of contraceptive-inducing Halloween costumes, since they're typically loose and shapeless, making the female form unrecognizable. In addition, they make it impossible to access the crotch area without removing the entire costume. Think of them as modern day chastity belts. Possible jumpsuit-based costumes include an astronaut, a prison inmate or a gas pump attendant. You could even go the extra mile and make it a denim jumpsuit, aka overalls, and go as a toothless hillbilly.
Denim on Denim: Men could try the Canadian Tuxedo look by going as David Hodo, the construction worker from the Village People. This is best accomplished by wearing jeans that are uncomfortably small and growing out a handlebar mustache. And copious chest hair is a plus.
Defy the norm this Halloween and try any one of these techniques on your costume. Not only will it preempt a walk of shame, but you could even attract the attention of a more sincere love interest. Standing out among the heaps of cleavage and bare legs, you're bound to be noticed by a sensitive person looking for a nice, respectable partner to discuss things like poetry and music. And then this person will ask you to the prom and bring you a cake with 16 candles on it! Or at least he would if this were a John Hughes movie. Unfortunately, it's college, so you'll probably just remain single. Happy Halloween!
--
Ashley Wood is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at Ashley.Wood@tufts.edu.
