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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Friday, March 29, 2024

House call: Francona and Epstein residence allegedly bombarded by Yankee conspirators

    At 11:52 p.m. last night, an attack was executed on the house of Red Sox G.M. Theo Epstein and team manager Terry Francona. Epstein and Francona, who recently joined their lives under the Massachusetts same-sex marriage laws in an attempt to bridge the gap between the Sox' upper management and field management as well as to promote team cohesion, were the latest victims of what seemed to be traditional "Mischief Night" shenanigans.
    Whilst committing some "shenanigans" of their own in the bedroom, Francona explained in an interview early this morning that their house was hit with a bombardment of toilet paper rolls, eggs and sock-bombs.
    "We were shocked to hear loud banging against the side of the house," Francona said. "We heard chants from what sounded like older men, and our windows were pelted with eggs."
    While authority figures are still struggling to find any concrete leads on the perpetrators, some have speculated that Yankees' Co-Chairperson Hank Steinbrenner and General Manager Brian Cashman, who were "in town on business" according to Yankees' Director of Media Relations Jason Zillo, may have been involved. Oddly enough, Yankees' head honcho George Steinbrenner was found asleep a quarter-mile away on the side of the road covered in feces and toilet paper, but no connections were found between this and the attack, as this is a relatively common occurrence for the eldest party-hearty Steinbrenner.
    In a Boston Police questioning, Cashman "pleaded the Fifth" when asked where he was last night, despite not being on any sort of trial. He subsequently asked to speak with his lawyer. The younger Steinbrenner, on the other hand, explained to officials that he was "at Chuck E. Cheese's all night." His statement was corroborated when he produced a Joba Chamberlain bobble-head doll, a stuffed figurine version of "Tinky-Winky" from the hit children's TV program "Teletubbies" and eight unused tickets. Steinbrenner Jr. was released soon thereafter.
     But the Boston Police Commissioner was not so quick to dismiss the possible guilt on Steinbrenner, citing the eerily coincidental — maybe too coincidental — connection between the Chamberlain doll and the fact that the star Yankees pitcher was recently arrested on a DUI charge in Nebraska.
    "The pieces are all slowly coming together," the Chief of Police said.