"I'm not the same man I was a while ago. I've learned some new things; I hope that it shows." - Neil Young
After 22 years and 237 days of life, and 17 years of schooling, I have come to understand the following: It is impossible to leave the marshmallows to the end in a mug of hot chocolate. Soda and ketchup taste better from glass bottles. Tight jeans are funny and baggy jeans are comfortable, but nothing beats a pair of sweatpants. Cursive, although elegant, is just stupid. Technology has yet to improve on the original Nintendo. People more often prefer you to listen than to give advice.
Macaroni and cheese works for breakfast, lunch and dinner. TV will never eclipse early '90s Nickelodeon. "Playing" was always more fun than "hanging out." "Sleepovers" were always more fun than "spending the night." The perfect Oreo dunk in milk is as much an art as a perfectly browned marshmallow. Learning is always more effective outside of school. The past 15 years of pop music have been largely disappointing. Attending a home opener takes precedence over attending class. There's nothing greater between a father and son than having a catch.
The safest place in the world is where one hides under the covers. Slippers are underrated. There's nothing more comforting than sharing a blanket with someone you love, and there's nothing lonelier than knowing the one you love is happier sharing someone else's blanket. It doesn't matter what anyone says - McDonald's tastes good, and that's all that matters. Fashion is worthless. The loss of recess is one of the greatest casualties of aging. Memories fade and get sweeter at the same rate.
Dodgeball is the greatest game - ever. Summer school should be illegal. There is absolutely nothing gained from making your bed. No one ever leaves a Sunday brunch unsatisfied. Being content with one's own happiness is selfish. Class participation grades only serve to encourage that annoying kid in the front row to hear himself talk. The most exciting sound in the world is an ice-cream-truck jingle. Sticks and stones rarely break bones, but words hurt forever.
Zipper sweatshirts are better than pullovers. There's nothing more mocking than one inch of snow on the ground when you wake up and it's still a school day. The only thing you can't get mad at for waking you up is a dog licking your face. Making mix tapes was always more fun than making iTunes playlists. A hot dog always tastes better at a ballgame. The best party dance is still "The Twist." No winter should go by in which you do not build a snowman. There really is always room for Jello. Nothing is wrong with the world when you're lying barefoot on the lawn.
It is impossible to dislike a song that features a harmonica. Softball is the great American consolation game. Every guy really prefers to be little spoon. There shouldn't be an age limit on trick-or-treating. There is no greater equalizer than a game of Rock Paper Scissors. Nothing smells better than a dryer sheet. The "good old days" maybe weren't ever as carefree as you imagine, but sometimes a glass of lemonade at a summer barbeque with friends you've had since those "good old days" puts up a pretty good argument that they just might have been.
The moment you avoid grass stains, won't climb the monkey bars or stop blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk is the real moment of aging. So here's to the next 22, and may you climb as many trees, watch as many cartoons and skin as many knees as in the first 22.
Ari Goldberg graduates today with a degree in history. He can be reached at Ari.Goldberg@tufts.edu.
