As a proud phobic, I feel I have the right to author this column.
It would be a terrible misconception if, throughout the entire course of the semester, I pointed out everyone else's phobias but my own, so let me make this very clear to you: I have issues.
I am a germophobe, Windowsophobe (as in the operating system), clownophobe, alcoholophobe, noisophobe, largegroupophobe, danceophobe, caffeinophobe, nailophobe, pizzaphobe, dirtyshoephobe, messophobe, linoleumophobe, largedarkbodyofwaterophobe, and a rustyironobjectsphobe among [a quite extensive list of] many others.
Those, while I can't think of proper names for nearly any of them, are just a small sampling. I was actually on my way back to Hill Hall after a Zamboni meeting tonight when I decided that there absolutely must be more individuals like me. This, my friends, is a column dedicated to those individuals.
A column devoted to you, the members of "My Awkwardness Makes My Day Interesting" Facebook group members, the quiet creepy folks that sit in the corner of Carmichael and read and/or listen to iPods to avoid all conversations with anyone who might want to shake hands right after you sanitize. Bravo on making it this far. According to Darwin, we should probably all be dead.
I'll start off with my own issues, since that always makes everyone feel comfortable. My germophobia has rules. Before I delve into them, it is of utmost importance to mention that it only comes alive at night, making me somewhat like a werewolf but hopefully a tad less hairy.
During the day, for the most part, I give the impression of being completely normal. I'll shake your hand, go to a public restroom, and ride the Joey. On the other hand, if you come into my room around 11:30 p.m. and try to sit on my bed, I will immediately ask you: a) if you've taken a shower within the last hour, b) if so, if you've been outside since then, c) if your clothes are freshly washed, and, if necessary, d) do you have any known rashes or skin conditions?
If you are coughing or sniffling, generally I won't even let you pass through the doorway. Don't even try to walk on my carpet with dirty shoes. People do it; I tend to dislike them.
Just so you know, I'm not discriminating against you personally; you can be assured that I don't even sit on my bed during the day. As a matter of fact, when I come back to my room after kickboxing practice, and I am in any way perspiring, I won't even sit on my own furniture.
People constantly inform me of the complete lack of common sense behind my rationality. I've received thousands of variations and repitions of this statement: "But ,Olivia, don't you know there are some germs that are good for you."
Or "But, Olivia, there are germs everywhere. You can't possibly avoid them."
No s---, Sherlocks! Of course there are germs everywhere, and of course there are some germs that are good for me.
I'm not saying I don't want contact with any germs;-that would be nearly impossible and highly expensive at best. I'm only saying that if there are some harmful germs that I could possibly avoid, then I'm going to make every possible effort to do that.
As a test to the efficacy of my stand against the pesky particles, I will say this: Nearly every person on my floor has come down with some sort of coughing bug, and I have not.
Might this be because I sanitize several times a day? Or maybe because I refuse to put my silverware on the trays in Carmichael without a proper barrier? Maybe.
You may ask when on earth I developed this distaste for the dirty. You need not look further than Ms. Daniel's sixth grade science class at Saint Paul's School in Clearwater, Fla. You all may have watched that dreadful video, too: the one that shows young developing minds all the smaller parasitic organisms that live everywhere on your body. I won't go into detail, because honestly, it still haunts me to this very day.
Don't ask me about the eyelashes. Please.
CORRECTION: Due to a production error, the first installment of Olivia Teytelbaum's weekly "Phobiaphiles" column-- a piece entitled, "Meet the phobias"-- was not displayed in its entirety in the Tuesday, Sept. 19 edition of the Viewpoints section.
