When high school students apply to Tufts, one of the first selling points that attracts them is the school's proximity to Boston, as it should be. Boston is an amazing city with an array of colleges in the area, making for a truly fun college experience.
It must be noted, however, that Tufts isn't actually located within the city limits of Boston, which creates a bit of a different experience than seen in the brochure. There are many pitfalls that come with moving to Somerville or Medford, but they are easily avoided. Listen to this column closely, because it just might save your life one day.
The preeminent danger in coming to Medford and Somerville is the hazard of driving. It's just not safe here. The drivers here are so used to disregarding the laws and other cars that it has become a hazard to drive from College Ave. to Professors Row. Residents of the area could be going nowhere in particular, but for some reason, they want to get there in record time, abiding by the least amount of traffic laws possible.
I think some drivers actually try to set new records as to how many laws they can break in one trip. I really shouldn't talk because I am one of those drivers, so if you see my dazzling maroon Monte Carlo whizzing by, it's best to stay out of the way (I made it from Logan Airport to my house on College Ave. in nine minutes just so I wouldn't miss the opening scene of "24").
Also, for those who aren't from the Northeast, we have these pesky things called rotaries. These are basically circular islands in the middle of crowded roadways that are used to slow down traffic rather than putting in a stoplight. And they are obscenely dangerous.
Seriously, sit down adjacent to the huge rotary off of Rt. 93 next to Medford Square and bask in the chaos of cars as they enter the rotary with reckless abandonment. My advice to you: Leave your cars at home and rely on Joe's Limousine Service for your transportation, unless you want some whiplash courtesy of my maroon mangler.
Here's a second major drawback of residents of the Medford and Somerville area: When they are drunk, they can be extremely pugnacious. Male or female, they can fight (I'm the exception). If you're the type of guy who likes to talk a big game to the locals, think twice, because whomever you are talking to wants to hurt you a lot more than you want to hurt them.
Their punches hurt a lot too; I can vouch for that. (My jaw still clicks when I chew gum - thanks, Powderhouse guy.) Remember, if you're walking into Powderhouse Pub or Tavern on the Hill, you are entering their domain. Think of it as an away game for a sport: The fans are going to be there and will be a little hostile, but don't talk back to them, or you'll get things thrown at you (in this case, fists).
My advice to you is this: First off, just stay away from that drunk guy in the corner muttering something about
alimony payments. Second, if you are confronted by an inebriated townie, mumble drunkenly the phrase "Yankees suck," buy him a $1 draft beer, then slowly back away while making no sudden movements, for they are a dangerous species.
Another shortcoming, although not life-threatening, is the apparel that townies find to be suitable for both getting married and watching football.
Sweatpants, though very comfortable, do not constitute "formal wear." My immediate reaction when I see a townie at a bar with a wife-beater t-shirt and a black leather jacket is to think, "Wow, there's a domestic disturbance waiting to happen."
A girl can show up to a bar in the area wearing jeans, heels or a glittery shirt, and immediately the locals will think she's straight off the fashion runway from Milan.
While I'm on the subject of things that are out of style, I need to vent my hatred for the "blowout" haircut.
This haircut gets its name for the planned disarray of bunches of hair, styled with enough hairspray to leave a hole in the ozone layer above Rt. 16.
I honestly have trouble taking someone with a blowout seriously, especially if it comes complete with a Kangol hat or a velour jumpsuit. My only advice in this area is to stay away from K-Mart, where fashion goes to die.
But even with these hindrances, the Medford/Somerville area is still a great place to visit for four years. These examples are exceptions, not rules.
On the whole, people from Medford and Somerville will be more than affable in your encounters, with only a few exceptions that would happen in any area of the country.
My main advice for those of you who are flummoxed by those locals in the area is to treat them like you would treat someone from your own hometown - that's all they want.
And you never know, you might be lucky enough to meet someone just like me.
