Since the dawn of time, artists have debated the epitome of beauty. Thousands of representations, from cavegirls in tiger-hide miniskirts, to busty Renaissance ladies, to fluorescent screen-printed Marilyn Monroes, have proven that the female form is the essence of aesthetic bliss. Beer commercials eventually taught us that the only thing better than a pretty girl is lots of pretty girls.
And now we have finally received the last piece of wisdom in our quest for beauty: the only thing better than lots of pretty girls is lots of pretty girls embarrassing themselves by tripping in high heels and crying when they get haircuts.
This Schadenfreude-laced revelation comes to us courtesy of "America's Next Top Model" which began its fifth "cycle" (like a season, only sexier) last Wednesday. The modeling reality show gives 13 girls the chance to win representation with Ford Models, a contract with CoverGirl, a photo shoot with Elle magazine, and an ELLEgirl cover with Tyra Banks, the show's host.
Every week, the wannabe models compete in a fashion shoot, usually one with an absurd theme. In the premiere, for instance, the girls had to dress up as superheroes and pose suspended on an elaborate setup of wires. Each girl's "best shot" is selected and presented before the panel of judges who eliminate one contestant every week until only the winner remains.
Fans of "Model" will immediately notice a conspicuous difference in the panel of judges for this cycle: beloved 100 percent silicone nutcase Janice Dickinson (of "Surreal Life" fame... if fame is the right word) has been replaced by '60s icon and actual supermodel "Twiggy" Lawson. This choice might add a little more class and legitimacy to the judging process, but the tradeoff is that there will no longer be anyone to make out with Banks for no reason.
Dickinson's absence is compensated for by the over-the-top additions of J. Alexander ("runway expert" and walking coach) and Jay Manuel (makeup artist and photo director). Rounding out the male portion of the judges' panel is Nigel Barker, a fashion photographer and resident straight guy who clearly adores the fact that his career involves lots of scantily-clad beautiful women.
Though the show is ostensibly about the fates of the 13 girls battling it out for their piece of the runway, it's clear that Banks is the real star. In addition to the dozens of ads for her impending talk show, Banks pulls double duty as host and judge. She also, for some reason which is never explained, does her own version of that week's photo shoot and mugs for the camera whenever possible.
Undoubtedly the best part of each episode is the final elimination scene. Banks announces, one by one, the competitors who are still in the running. When there are only two left, Banks asks them to step forward, describes the positives and negatives of each of their performances, and finally informs one of the visibly shaken girls that she is still "in the running to become America's next top model."
This entire sequence would be unremarkable if not for Banks's delivery: her voice trembling with emotion, she is barely able to choke out each syllable. By the time she gets to "top model," she's practically whispering, and everyone is hoping Twiggy remembered to get the smelling salts, since Banks seems on the verge of swooning.
Also contributing to the thrill of the final elimination scene is the arbitrariness of the judges' choices. In last week's episode, the final two contestants remaining were Ashley, who claimed in her interview that her family had a "pretty gene," and Sarah, whose lips would make Angelina Jolie think she needed Botox, but who tripped in her high heels (twice!) during the runway challenge. Clearly, Ashley was the stronger candidate, but the judges decided to keep Sarah for one more week and sent "pretty gene" packing.
Obviously, one of the joys of the show is mocking the models' vapidity (in the premiere, no one really recognized Twiggy, even after Banks gave a fairly lengthy bio) but this year's crop seems more articulate than models past. Although poster-girl-for-inferiority-complex Nicole lost points last week for not knowing how to make Cup Noodles, beauty pageant winner Cassandra impressed by giving a surprisingly accurate (albeit extremely creepy) definition of "sociopath." Additionally, androgynous lesbian Kim lists "The Economist" as one of her favorite magazines and "plus-sized" Diane's real job is a criminal defense investigator.
This year's group of models strikes an important balance between the nice girls who will try to avoid trouble (former Dairy Queen employee Kyle and high schooler Ebony, for example) and those who are going to yell at girls for looking at them the wrong way (Harlem tough girl Bre and in-your-face Lisa). There is also more of a focus on unconventional beauties this time around: there's Coryn, with the athletically cut arms and thick eyebrows, Nik, whose features are all large and dramatic, and Jayla, whose punk rock ear spacers had to be covered up in last week's photo shoot.
Cynics can't hope for another fiasco as great as last season when Keenyah wasn't sure if Nelson Mandela was alive or dead, but the jerk inside all of us looks forward to seeing a beautiful girl leave the set in tears every Wednesday for the next 12 weeks.
