Who stole my toothbrush?

At 2:30 a.m., after watching the same episode of "Family Guy" I watched at 11:00 p.m., I decided to call it a night. I went through my usual ritual of getting ready for bed. I took out my contacts, shut down my computer, shaved my back hair, watered my plants, fed my poodle, and changed my baby's diaper. Then it was time for the final and arguably most important ritual: The brushing of my teeth.

Before I go on with this thrilling tale, let me comment on the importance of having clean teeth. My teeth are my livelihood. If I don't have a sparkling white smile to flash at the ladies, then I don't get no fiddle-faddle. And if I don't get no fiddle-faddle, I get frustrated. And, when I get frustrated, people get hurt.

So, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth when I realized that my toothbrush HAD BEEN STOLEN!!! (Note to self: Change title of column so this will be more shocking) This wasn't just any toothbrush either. This was an Oral-B Plaque-Assassin 3000 with Double-Bristle Whitening Action. Do you know what I had to do to get that toothbrush? I don't really want to go into it but it involves a few things I'm not especially proud of. When I got to the bathroom and discovered that it had been stolen, I was devastated.

This begged the question: "Who stole my toothbrush?" The toothbrush was there that morning and my housemates and I were snowed in all day so it had to have been one of them. I don't want to humiliate any of my housemates by revealing their names so let's just call them Bryce, Jon, Alex, Nishant, Doug, Matt, Andrew, Anand, and Pat. I decided to question each of them. "Bryce," I asked. "Did you steal my toothbrush?"

"Someone stole your toothbrush?" he asked. That diabolical bastard. That's the oldest trick in the book. If a suspect acts like they don't even know about the prank then he is immediately absolved from blame. I knew I wasn't dealing with just any group of criminals here. Questioning wouldn't get me anywhere. It was time for some undercover investigating.

When Nishant left his room to shower, the perfect opportunity presented itself. I snuck into his room and rummaged through his drawers. I didn't find my toothbrush but I did find a copy of "Lactating Mamas" and a jar of Lubriderm. This wasn't getting me anywhere. I took the magazine and went off for more investigating.

A few days later, a revelation hit me. Since the incident, I noticed that Doug had been smiling a lot. When I looked closer, I saw that Doug's teeth were sparkling white. The light reflecting off his smile almost blinded me and his breath smelled like a fresh summer's morn. I was seconds away from giving him some fiddle-faddle. Of course it was him! He's been jealous of my teeth since the moment I met him. Sure, he never outright said it. But every time he said "What's up?" I knew he really meant, "Damn you and your beautiful smile."

All I needed was proof. But I couldn't find any. So I just stole Doug's toothbrush. Yet, there is still a little doubt in my mind. Maybe it wasn't Doug after all. Maybe he's always had white teeth and fresh breath and I never noticed before. If that's the case, then I'm back at square one. If I can't get true retribution for my stolen toothbrush, I might never feel safe again.

Recently, there have been a lot of reports about theft on this campus. Some people got their laptops stolen. There was also a robbery recently at the Wilson House. I thought Tufts University was a place where our personal belongings were protected from the criminal element. I used to feel secure in our little liberal utopian bubble. How wrong I was. To those of you who have had your laptops stolen or who have been robbed at gunpoint, I understand what you're going through. My toothbrush was stolen. But I'm not going to sit here and take it. I'm going to fight back. And I advise my fellow victims to follow my lead.

So I'm sending this message out to the stealer of my toothbrush, whoever you are. I will exact my revenge on you; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever. But one thing is for sure. You will never see it coming.