Full name: Alex Charles Gardner
Weight: 200 pounds of twisted steel_sex appeal
Hometown: Waltham, MA
Birthdate: June 3, 1982
Sign: The middle finger
Alex Gardner is an athlete. True, his sport is not in season yet; but thanks to Amy Cronin not e-mailing me her responses to 7 Questions, Gardner stepped up. Gardner, a junior, has been on the varsity hockey team since his freshman year. Although he is on the hockey team, Gardner is more than willing to talk about all sorts of issues. I caught up with him after he was telling young ladies in the dining hall that this journalist (me) is hung to his knees, so it was only fitting that 7 Questions followed.
1. So you lived with me freshman year. Is there anything I should share about your past?
I got raped in the shower freshman year, so remember to lock your doors when you are in Miller Hall.
2. You played a decent amount on the hockey team last season. Any shout outs you would like to give?
What up Sully and Disco.
3. The NHL’s leading scorer last season, Jerome Iginla, was black. Do you feel a touch of Tiger Woods-ism coming to hockey?
It doesn’t matter if he’s black; he’s Canadian.
4. Did you and your sophomore-year roommate, hockey forward Timm Schatz, ever play hockey in the buck with toilet paper?
We ran in the naked quad run in our hockey helmets freshman year, but there was no toilet paper involved.
5. I hear you listen to comedian Dave Chappelle a lot. What is your favorite joke?
Two guys and one girl is just the wrong kind of teamwork. I’m a one dick per fantasy kind of guy; my penis is the star of my own fantasy _ it’s an Alex Gardner joint.
6. So what is the right kind of team work?
Two girls and one guy, that’s holding… sharing… helping… hugging… caring. The other way around is down right brutal if you ask me… chick looks like a chicken on a rotisserie.
7. Tufts hockey has been affected by decreased roster spots due to Title IX. How do feel about that?
If women here had as much enthusiasm about playing sports as they did about eating ice cream up in Carmichael, then we wouldn’t have this problem.
_Elliott Wiley, Jr.