Cause the Mets got high

Cannabis sativa: n : a strong-smelling plant from whose dried leaves a number of euphoriant and hallucinogenic drugs are prepared (www.dictionary.com).

No ladies and gentleman, this will not be a horticulture column. You are probably asking yourselves why on earth anybody would begin a sports column by defining a hallucinogenic substance. Well, if you have to ask that question you are obviously not familiar with the 2002 edition of my favorite baseball team _ the New York Tokes (I mean the Mets) _ whose $100 million plus payroll was not enough to ensure that Mike Piazza and the boys would be puffing on victory cigars just about now.

While a picture of Piazza smoking a fat victory cigar would have been priceless, it turns out that a picture of Grant Roberts taking hits from a bong was worth even more money. In exchange for some sort of compensation from him, a woman from upstate New York offered not to give the picture to New York Newsday, the newspaper, which broke the story that at least seven Tokes had smoked weed during the season.

Roberts refused to play the extortionist's game and the young right hander, along with Tony Tarasco and Corey Lidle, both of whom admitted smoking up after a game, became the cover boys for High Times _ the 2002 Mets yearbook.

Although there is no reason to believe that Big Mo Vaughn and Jeromy Burnitz were among the big hitters off the field, lord knows they weren't hitting anything on the field either. The Tokes GM Steve "The Dealer" Phillips, brought in these heavy hitters to help ease Mike Piazza's burden. Unfortunately, this season, the duo would have had trouble hitting an eight foot bong, needless to say they couldn't hit a 90 mile an hour fastball either.

Burnitz was blazing in September pushing his batting average from .206 to begin the month to .215 at the close of the season _ two pounds over his playing weight of 213. Sadly, Big Mo came up 26 points short in his attempt to hit his weight _ granted there is a hell of lot Mo of Vaughn then there is of the comparatively small Burnitz.

Tipping the scale at 275 ounces (err, pounds), it became almost impossible for Vaughn to hit his weight after he struggled through most of the first half. Still, the big guy did manage to overcome the sluggish first half and, like many of his teammates, lit it up for much of the second half to finish with a respectable 26 home runs.

Excuse me for a second while I make like Mo Vaughn and waddle to the kitchen _ I seem to have developed a terrible case of the munchies. I'll leave you with the 2003 Tokes' theme song to pass the time: "Stoners live and stoners die, But in the end we all get high, So, if at first you don't succeed, (expletive) this world and smoke some weed."

So where was I? Ah, yes I was talking about the Tokes' heavy hitters. In addition to trading for Mo "Munchies" and Burnitz, GM Steve "The Dealer" Phillips worked out a trade for Robbie Alomar, and signed both Pedro Astacio and Roger Cedeno as free agents. All three acquisitions spent the 2002 season in a haze as they finished the campaign with statistics well below their career averages, helping to ensure that the Tokes' season went up in smoke.

Things became so skewed towards the end of the season, that owner Fred Wilpon worked out an agreement with a number of his players to compensate them in weed rather than money. In a move to make the Tokes feel more comfortable, Wilpon actually changed the team's mascot from Mr. Met to Tokemon.

The Tokes' owner also asked the team's flagship station, WFAN 660, to change its introductory song to "Meet the Tokes, Greet the Tokes, Come to the park and meet the Tokes, Hot Dogs green grass all at Shea, Guaranteed to get high today."

Despite their losing record, the fans actually jumped on the Tokes' bandwagon in September and the Tokemon Bobble head night in late September was the best attended game of the entire season.

Wilpon is planning a Bake Out Night for early next year, when the players and the fans will join together to bake out Shea Stadium, while listening to Pink Floyd and watching a fireworks display following the game. A complimentary eighth will be provided upon entrance to the stadium for all fans 13 and older. Wilpon has also pledged to put the crack back in the jacks for the 2003 campaign.

In their final address to the Tokes' after the season's conclusion on Sunday, Wilpon and Phillips warned the players to be careful during the off season.

"Remember _ don't drink and drive _ smoke dope and fly home," they said.

Manager Bobby Valentine was unable to attend the final team meeting, after having smoked a tainted fatty earlier in the day in a failed attempt to reduce the stress which resulted from the Tokes first losing season since 1996.

His agent did, however, release a statement on Valentine's behalf. "Next year things will be different _ there won't be so many pot holes. Our plan is to juice up our lineup and re-emphasize the fundamentals of hitting in Spring Training. 'The dealer" and I are going to inject some new life into our lineup this off season. Tokes in 2003."