As my first year at this fine university begins to end, I feel compelled to evaluate my time here. In general, I am thoroughly satisfied with this school, but there is certainly always room for improvement. In this brief statement, I will no less than demand from Tufts two improvements that will prove to make or break this school as a top institution of higher education.
There has been plenty of demanding going around this campus, and many students, perhaps most, are tired of it. Between the issue with the custodians and all the episodes with Primary Source, in addition to the allegations of trustee racism, we've had our share of demands. The question that follows is, of course, who am I to demand anything? I sincerely believe that the two demands I will make will improve the quality of life on this campus beyond measure. By instituting what I propose, everyone will be happier - in fact, these two items will probably make us all better people. Therefore, pray hark, President Bacow and other top decision makers, and follow through to every detail. Nothing less will be acceptable.
Demand Number One: Make-Your-Own Milkshake machines
I hereby demand that the school immediately implement make-your-own milkshake machines at both Dewick and Carmichael. I'm talking about top-of-the-line, quality apparatuses here. We need those oversized metal cups that you stick under those vibrating... things which thereby initiate the sweet, sweet fatty cream gurgling around inside. We need high-grade pumps with which you can squirt as much vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry flavored syrup as your heart desires. Maybe, if all goes well, we can even add coffee flavor, or perchance (if all really goes well), those little turds of cookie dough that will sink to the bottom and serve as a fantastic surprise to the drinker upon completion of his portion.
Now, I know what you're thinking, you clever administrators, you: how can we provide this important service while cutting the costs to a minimum? Be warned! For one thing, the italicized "both" and "and" in the above paragraph are not just for kicks (although italics are fun). We need to have these machines in both dining facilities. Don't think we students didn't notice the fact that the make-your-own waffles can only be found in Carmichael, or that there is no trace of Code-Red Mountain Dew uphill. We noticed. Milkshakes are a universal necessity, so provide them in all cafeterias. Second of all, don't cut your costs by only having three or four milkshakes going at once, thus generating long, infuriating lines. I expect a contraption that can hold thirty, maybe forty of these things at once. Moreover, don't worry about this complicated machine being operated by the average Tufts student. If you feel it necessary, a dining hall staff member can stand and watch as the students measure out their milkshakes in delight. May I recommend the heavyset woman with the big white hair who swipes your card at Dewick for the job?
Demand Number Two: Free Swim
It is no less than blatant discrimination and bigotry to not provide us with free swim. By free swim, I'm not talking about boring lanes in which you can swim with forty other people, going as fast as you can, up and back and up and back, four hundred times. I'm envisioning a place free of any sort of legitimate stroke, a place free of scanty athletic bathing suits, a place where the doggie-paddle reigns - a little place we like to call "free swim." It's a haven, a paradise, sheer bliss under water. We demand diving boards, a long water slide (with a minimum of three or four fun twists and turns). We demand fluorescent colored rings to dive for and even those phallic-looking floating tubes with which one can smack his or her friend. I'm talking about semi-serious Marco Polo games, and the "Macharena" playing on loop in the background. I want kickboards, a basketball hoop, maybe some fake palm trees here and there - and a volleyball net. We can all take turns providing wholesome fruit juice and chips for the crowds.
Swimming in lanes is not fair to those of us who cannot handle that kind of cardio-vascular strain. It's a problem that demands immediate repair. Out with the lanes, in with the free swim.
Believe you me, O fine administrators, these demands will make everyone feel better inside - they'll make us feel better about ourselves and about our school. By my estimate, I represent somewhere between 96 and 98 percent of the student body in yearning for milkshake machines and free swim, so, please, get to it. I know you have lots of problems and lots of people demanding lots of things, but prioritize and you will yet see that path I have laid out for you. Milkshakes and swimming... the rest will follow. Good luck.
Eitan Hersh is a freshman who has not yet declared a major.
