In lieu of a typical column -- 600-ish words written by someone who has a genuine interest in a thing that is genuinely interesting -- this week I will be sharing something I wrote with a friend. It’s not particularly pertinent, radically relevant or especially excellent, but it was a lot of fun to write and maybe a little fun to read.
The catch is that it’s totally comprised of Tom Swifties: sentence-long puns made up of an adverb and a quote. They’re something you may have learned of while reading that book "Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie" (2005). Necessary preamble aside, I present to you “Untitled”:
“It’s so early and we have nothing to do,” she said mournfully.
“I don’t think we have any boardgames,” he said cluelessly.
“We could call Tom,” she said euphoniously.
“Eh, I think he’s average,” he said meanly.
“Then let’s watch Star Wars!” she said forcefully.
“Nah, let’s sing Shenandoah,” he said currently.
“I don’t know the words to that one,” she said humbly.
“We could just jam,” he said instrumentally.
“I’m not that good at guitar,” she said fretfully.
“Agreed, I’m really much better,” he said callously.
“Hmm, let’s not play music,” she said discordantly.
“Fine. We could go to the aquarium downtown,” he said swimmingly.
“Or the natural history museum,” she said indignantly.
“But the aquarium’s closer. We could walk,” he said stridently.
“I guess that’s true. Plus my favorite animal is the blue whale. It’s the largest,” she said superficially.
“These trees are so nice,” he said bewilderedly.
“Look out! A car!” she said entirely.
“HONK HONK,” the car screeched emergently.
“Oh no! My legs!” he said defeatedly.
“I’ll make you a tourniquet,” she said tightly.
“I’m too young to die!” he said unwillingly.
“Calm down, calm down. You’ll stop bleeding soon,” she said staunchly.
“Okay, but I don’t think I’m up for the trip anymore,” he said lamely.
“I could try to carry you home,” she said handily.
“Thanks. On the upside, maybe we’ll make the paper,” he said impressively.
“Yeah, but I was really looking forward to seeing the lobster,” she said crabbily.
“I was looking forward to the ferry ride,” he said sternly.
“Forget about it. The past is the past and tomorrow’s the future,” she said tensely.
“You’re my favorite conjoined twin,” he said biasedly.
The End.
The moral (because there should be a moral if I want this to be a killer column) is that electronics and social media portals and other pieces of 21st-century matter shouldn’t limit how we waste time. A couple of minds, preferably loopy, are perfectly adequate tools designed to preoccupy their holders for hours. Though, admittedly, Google define helps boatloads.
Next week I’ll be on a different track, one with hopefully more genuine things to say, but nonetheless I hope this was a fun excursion into amusing wordplay. And please feel free to write me a Tom Swifty.
